The aha moment that made me cry.

Have you ever had a moment of sudden 'enlightenment' where it just made sense, and that sense caused you to cry? 

I just did. And when I say just, I mean as in two minutes ago. Because I decided to document things more often this year, I figured it was a good idea to quick get this down while it is still very fresh in my mind. 

The tears still wet in my eyes.

I can't adopt. 

The one that made me think 'maybe'.

Now a year ago, I would never even have had the thought because it would never had crossed my mind to think of being a single mom. To be perfectly blunt, I always knew that wasn't for me. I am not cut out to be a single mom. I didn't want to raise someone alone, I want a husband. So of course I can't adopt. Duh. 

Then I hit 30. 

Adopting alone was still not a forefront thought even after the milestone of the big 3.0. but the fact that I was now legally allowed to file did not slip my notice. While they still stayed at in the background, it struck me that it might be easier to adopt first and then get married if I met both the guy and my child around the same time. {Since you have to wait 2 years after marriage before you are able to adopt, the fact that my little bundle would have to wait would be too much to handle I know, if I had already met them.} 

I no longer can say "If only I was old enough!" as I had in the past. To some extent, I guess it was safe. Safe to be able to have that rule that said I couldn't. When it is impossible, its easy to say that you would! {I am happy to say that I would be over joyed to ride the tallest coaster in any theme park...how sad that they won't let me on! Bummer. But oh I so would! *wink wink*} 

Lately, I have had more friends who have begun to adopt on their own. I've heard the arguments of "Isn't one parent better then none at all" I had not yet figured out my full feelings on the subject {right or wrong for a single woman to take on motherhood} and didn't really need to delve too much into that...until I met Micah. 

I kid you not. Micah made me do a double take. He made me do a double take at my "I'm not cut out for single motherhood" stance. 

This week, I was going to look into the requirements and restrictions. I was going to do a lot of buzzing and thinking and talking out loud. I was going to figure it all out for myself. 

Then I reached to grab my computer and felt my leg go numb. 

You see, on my way back from my dream worthy 2 weeks at SFCV, I blew a disc in my spine. 

That's when the tears came. 

One parent might be better then none for Micah, 

but not me. 

Not a broken, unable to stand, half Mom. 

For the past two days, I have only been able to get out of bed long enough to do the smallest of things. I can rest, then get up and do a load of laundry. Rest, then do the dishes. Rest and then make something to eat. How would I be able to keep up with a little one like my sweet chubby face if I can't even stand? 

While making my oatmeal for lunch, {so thankful I had some groceries left over from before my trip! I went shopping for a few things my first night back before the pain drove me to bed, and together with some other supplies I have been taken care of! PTL!} I tipped over my bottle of allergy meds. They scattered all over the place, some landing on the floor. 

Some of the most important meds for me. Yes....especially the chocolate!

I decided not to bend over and pick up the ones on the floor, so as not to put that stress on my back. If Micah were here, that would be out of the question! 

But the tears are not just for the loss of a boy I thought might be my son. They are also happy tears. 

I am still hearing Father! He has not made me wait for another answer! 

While I wait to know what is next, while I wait to find out if I will ever be someones other half and be important to someone, while I wait to find out how badly I have messed up my back this time...

I have an answer to something! 

His answer is not always wait.

It's not always yes either. 

But He gave me an answer. 

Thank you!

Now, there are still a lot of these things that won't change just because I am part of a parenting duo! I know that. There is still going to be a whole lot to discuss about family if I am ever married. That is a given. There are still going to be dangers to me being a mom, and I won't lie and say that knowing that doesn't hurt. 

It kills.

But that is not something I have to think about right now!

{Also probably not the right time to think about it anyway, since pain makes me a bit more emotional and blow things out of proportion!} 

Not all of my Aha moments come like this.

 Some are smaller. 

Some hurt less. 

Some hurt more. 

Some are bigger. 

But they always end in me learning. 

And that's always good.

"Oh love that will not let me go. I rest my weary soul in Thee.

 I give you back this life I owe.

 That in your oceans depths its flow may richer fuller be.

Oh Light that follows all my way 

I yield my flickering torch to Thee and my heart restores in borrowed ray 

that in Your sunshine's blaze its day may brighter fairer be. 

Rejoice my heart rejoice my soul my Saviour God has come to thee.

Rejoice my heart you've been made whole by a love that will not let me go.

Oh joy that seeks me through the pain

 I can not close my heart to Thee I trace the rainbow

 through the rain and feel the promise is not vain

 that mourn shall tear-less be.

Rejoice my heart rejoice my soul my Saviour God has come to thee.

Rejoice my heart you've been made whole by a love that will not let me go.

Oh cross that lifts and holds my head I dare not ask to fly from Thee 

I lay in dust life's glory dead and from the ground there blossoms red

 Life that shall endless be!"

For now, being JieJie is enough.