Hidden Paths, Walks in the Dark, and Translating.

I have to try so hard not to mold my writing to the style of someone else. Its kinda weird to admit that, really, since I have always been so dead set against conforming in this area, Just as my Mother, who homeschooled me through all the blow outs I had about NOT adding the edits she had made to my essay, edits which were there to make my jumbled words make sense. And yet now, when I see a blog that I enjoy reading I get this feeling that I should write more like them. Make my blog more interesting. So I am trying not to do that. But, I have decided that my blog needs more photos. Even if they have nothing to do with what I am talking about.

Boosh! It's a flower. You're welcome.

Many of you that know me know the story already. Seven years ago I was all set to apply to a school and move to Montana. When that door shut with a resounding BANG, I was left feeling pretty lost and frustrated. I took a walk, cried out to Him in regards to my plight, went home and soon found BMH. 

People have said how it was so brave of  me to move here in 2012 to start my language studies. It's never really felt that way to me, since it was just the natural thing to do. I wanted to learn the language, I wanted to be able to talk without using a middle man, what better place to do that but in country? The hardest thing has always been when it gets down to the wire and I don't know the next step. It feels like it takes a lot more guts for me to head back to the home of my birth then to stay in the home of my heart. 

True, there are still many months before I have to make any sorts of housing changes and have a new path. True, the spring semester has not even started. True I have spent my entire fall semester doing all I could to NOT think of the future. 

I don't want to think about fish right now *sob* Why then did I post this photo?

Yet it still creeps in. That fear. The fear of being useless. The fear that this was all for nothing. The fear that I have to give up my dreams and return to a place where I no longer have a place. {It sounds mean, but it is the truth!} 

As much as I told myself that my grades didn't matter to me, that it would be fine to fail them and stay in the same level next semester, actually bombing on my exams {I haven't yet gotten my grades back, but I am 99.99% sure there is no way I could have eeked out a  pass!} stung way more then I expected it to. 

While I had a great time experiencing all that I did with my boss in visiting the embassies and all, I kept feeling like I was striking out. Having the idea in my head that I had failed my studies and knew no more Chinese then I did when I arrived, seemed to be cemented in more firmly when I would blank on how to say things in the meetings. Even the ones in English, I felt like I did not perform the best and let my boss down. 

Already feeling rather low about it all, we went to dinner with friends. I have a hard time speaking Chinese around foreigners who speak better then I do. Its a pride issue, I know. Pride is most definitely one of my huge problems. Out of everyone there at this pizza dinner, my Chinese was by far the poorest, though I was one of two Americans. 

During the meal, one of my good friends was crying. Things have been very hard and lonely for her lately and she was sharing about it. And I sat there. Why? Because I didn't know what she was saying. Oh sure, I caught a word or two here and there, even full sentences at times. But there would be moments when I was sure I knew what was going on only to then have someone else say something that just threw me. {Meaning that maybe I was thinking they were talking about buying bread at the grocery store and how they could only find a loaf of White bread but then someone would agree that White bread is never found in their area. It was just all very confusing.} {And no we were not talking about white bread and grocery stores, its a made up example. Yeah, I saw that coming...sit down!} 

The very thing I had come here to learn and do, be able to communicate to those I love that are in pain, and here I sat at dinner with one of my good friends crying, and I was myself selfishly trying to hold back tears because of what a failure I felt like. Some friend, eh?  

It was such a horrible cycle. And it made my night end in tears as well, while I took a walk after we got back to the hotel. I just needed time to talk with Father and cry out to Him again about all of my fears in regards to my failing language skills and the fact that I really can't see the path 8 months down the road. 

A photo from a taxi in Beijing

{Even that there...here I was in Beijing, the night before I would go meet up with my friends to head to a winter camp that I didn't know I could take part in....I was there having paid no money myself and yet I was asking Father what His plan was and if He had forgotten me? I could write an entire blog about my wayward thinking in that area too, but that is for another day...or maybe not!}

This is the part where I realize I have already made this far too long and I skip ahead. Don't want to loose those who actually read this! :/ 

I love where I am. Being here at Shepherds Field has helped fill me up in just the way I needed. Camp was such an awesome start to refocusing my eyes. I got beat up more then once in terms of my pride, and it was so good! I made new friends, some of who were more then willing {So thankful for this} to take me aside and say "What is with your attitude?". 

And then it happened, 

I have stayed here after camp is over, for another much needed week of building and resting. {I am trying to help where I can, which is so restful really! The kids wear me out, that is for sure, but it is in such a good and much needed way!} 

The other day, I was heading back to the Inn {where I stay here} after having walked my little brother home, and I came across the PT here as she was finishing up work and walking one of the kids home. Since we were both heading in the same direction I waited as she stepped into the doorway of one of the homes. One of the kids we have had at both summer and winter camp, saw me was surprised that I was there instead of having left like the others. N was trying to tell him a bit of news, but he just kept saying "Huh?" and then he looked at me and in Chinese said "What is she saying?"  

I translated her message to him and his question back to her, and so on. 

I translated.

I keep taking my eyes off of Him and thinking that because it doesn't go exactly like I thought it should or would, that something is wrong. When really, all He wants is for me to trust Him. 

There are going to be times of fear still. I already know that. I still haven't seen how badly I blew the exams. I still haven't gotten the chance to talk about coming back to SFCV to work after my schooling, and I don't know that I am going to get the chance to do that. {Talk about it before I leave. My train is at 9 tomorrow morning.} 

But as always....He has this way of reminding me He has not forgotten me, and that it really is just that I have stupidly once again thought I knew better. 

Nothing, not even my winter break, has gone the way I thought it would. 

And that's just fine.