Lessons, pain, and tiny smiles.

Happy New Year!

 {Yes, you read that right} 

It is the time for Spring Festival! Chinese New Year!

First, a Chinese Lesson:

This is the character Fu. 福 It means Good fortune, luck, happiness. It is a sort of blessing/well wish. Did you do a double take? Yes, the photo is upside right. The 福 in the photo is 倒了{ dao le/upside down. } This is because the word for upside down or being placed upside down sounds a lot like 'dao' 到 which means to arrive. So, when you say that the blessing of good fortune and happiness is upside down, it sounds like you are saying that this blessing is arriving. Cute, eh? 

Ok, That's enough for now.

This week is the Golden Week. Chinese New Year/Spring Festival, the biggest holiday in China. 

It causes things to be rather quiet,dead,deserted,...and dark

Not sure why, but the Holidays have just not felt like Holidays to me at all this time around. Even Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Jan 1st New Year were kinda 'eh' for me. Its not like they were particularly bad, or somber. They were different, the feeling not as much there. {This is not a slam to anyone I spent those days with! I had a great time spending each day with everyone!}

Due to my back still being in a state of ow at times, I have stuck pretty close to home, save for one trip downtown Monday for some more groceries. {I went by myself this time. It went ok, but carrying the bag still hurt more then I would like it to.} 

The streets, though a tad lonely with no cars, are dressed up with lights for the occasion. 

My winter break did not go like I planned. {Wait, one of my plans not going according to plan? That has NEVER happened....right? Oh. right. That's pretty normal.}

I had a big list of things I wanted to get done during this time. Very few of them happened. Though, I did start work on my first short story,and I did have some pretty Epic Skype sessions! 

Work has still not begun on the project I want to have finished in time for camp this summer. I didn't even touch my CQD story. I have not learned how to cook any Chinese dishes. 

And yet, with that said, I didn't plan to go to three Embassies, or see some of my friends who have graduated and go out for pizza, or go to winter camp, or spend a week falling in love with a little boy. I'm ok with my plans not getting accomplished for those reasons!

I also didn't plan on hurting my back and spending so much time in bed. 

My phone decided to try to be all artistic. {in other words....it glitched.} 

 That unexpectedness was not as welcome. However, because of it, I have had the chance to do things I always say I want to do during the school year! Such as stay in bed for the ENTIRE day, never changing out of my PJ's. Read a whole book in one day. Read three books in a week!

And then there is the immense blessing I have had of being able to watch religious debates on youtube. You know it is a good thing when it has you searching through your Word to look things up! Or when you start to think about how to memorize the information to be able to use it later. 

Starting with the new semester, I have decided to begin a new 'series' of blog posts. 

'It's The Little Things'

To be very honest, very often it is the littlest things that make me happy. Getting a text out of the blue from someone, just to tell me they were thinking of me. Finding something I thought I had lost. Eating a great salad that I made myself in my 'window sill kitchen'. A SUPER hot shower. Hitting that note I can never get in a song. 

I am sure there is a little thing in every day. And since I am being honest and blunt, I am dreading this next semester! Not looking forward to it at all. If I could, I would skip it all. Summer can't get here fast enough. But I don't want to have that attitude. Winter break did not go the way I wanted it to and had I known I would spend weeks in pain I would have dreaded it too maybe. And yet I am thankful for so many of the little things that happened during this time. 

This will force me to find something to be thankful for and happy about in everyday. That might be a smile from someone, a break through in an assignment, or food. {Lets face it, a lot of my little things are going to be about food.}  

The semester starts Monday March 2nd.

Here's to the little things. 

The aha moment that made me cry.

Have you ever had a moment of sudden 'enlightenment' where it just made sense, and that sense caused you to cry? 

I just did. And when I say just, I mean as in two minutes ago. Because I decided to document things more often this year, I figured it was a good idea to quick get this down while it is still very fresh in my mind. 

The tears still wet in my eyes.

I can't adopt. 

The one that made me think 'maybe'.

Now a year ago, I would never even have had the thought because it would never had crossed my mind to think of being a single mom. To be perfectly blunt, I always knew that wasn't for me. I am not cut out to be a single mom. I didn't want to raise someone alone, I want a husband. So of course I can't adopt. Duh. 

Then I hit 30. 

Adopting alone was still not a forefront thought even after the milestone of the big 3.0. but the fact that I was now legally allowed to file did not slip my notice. While they still stayed at in the background, it struck me that it might be easier to adopt first and then get married if I met both the guy and my child around the same time. {Since you have to wait 2 years after marriage before you are able to adopt, the fact that my little bundle would have to wait would be too much to handle I know, if I had already met them.} 

I no longer can say "If only I was old enough!" as I had in the past. To some extent, I guess it was safe. Safe to be able to have that rule that said I couldn't. When it is impossible, its easy to say that you would! {I am happy to say that I would be over joyed to ride the tallest coaster in any theme park...how sad that they won't let me on! Bummer. But oh I so would! *wink wink*} 

Lately, I have had more friends who have begun to adopt on their own. I've heard the arguments of "Isn't one parent better then none at all" I had not yet figured out my full feelings on the subject {right or wrong for a single woman to take on motherhood} and didn't really need to delve too much into that...until I met Micah. 

I kid you not. Micah made me do a double take. He made me do a double take at my "I'm not cut out for single motherhood" stance. 

This week, I was going to look into the requirements and restrictions. I was going to do a lot of buzzing and thinking and talking out loud. I was going to figure it all out for myself. 

Then I reached to grab my computer and felt my leg go numb. 

You see, on my way back from my dream worthy 2 weeks at SFCV, I blew a disc in my spine. 

That's when the tears came. 

One parent might be better then none for Micah, 

but not me. 

Not a broken, unable to stand, half Mom. 

For the past two days, I have only been able to get out of bed long enough to do the smallest of things. I can rest, then get up and do a load of laundry. Rest, then do the dishes. Rest and then make something to eat. How would I be able to keep up with a little one like my sweet chubby face if I can't even stand? 

While making my oatmeal for lunch, {so thankful I had some groceries left over from before my trip! I went shopping for a few things my first night back before the pain drove me to bed, and together with some other supplies I have been taken care of! PTL!} I tipped over my bottle of allergy meds. They scattered all over the place, some landing on the floor. 

Some of the most important meds for me. Yes....especially the chocolate!

I decided not to bend over and pick up the ones on the floor, so as not to put that stress on my back. If Micah were here, that would be out of the question! 

But the tears are not just for the loss of a boy I thought might be my son. They are also happy tears. 

I am still hearing Father! He has not made me wait for another answer! 

While I wait to know what is next, while I wait to find out if I will ever be someones other half and be important to someone, while I wait to find out how badly I have messed up my back this time...

I have an answer to something! 

His answer is not always wait.

It's not always yes either. 

But He gave me an answer. 

Thank you!

Now, there are still a lot of these things that won't change just because I am part of a parenting duo! I know that. There is still going to be a whole lot to discuss about family if I am ever married. That is a given. There are still going to be dangers to me being a mom, and I won't lie and say that knowing that doesn't hurt. 

It kills.

But that is not something I have to think about right now!

{Also probably not the right time to think about it anyway, since pain makes me a bit more emotional and blow things out of proportion!} 

Not all of my Aha moments come like this.

 Some are smaller. 

Some hurt less. 

Some hurt more. 

Some are bigger. 

But they always end in me learning. 

And that's always good.

"Oh love that will not let me go. I rest my weary soul in Thee.

 I give you back this life I owe.

 That in your oceans depths its flow may richer fuller be.

Oh Light that follows all my way 

I yield my flickering torch to Thee and my heart restores in borrowed ray 

that in Your sunshine's blaze its day may brighter fairer be. 

Rejoice my heart rejoice my soul my Saviour God has come to thee.

Rejoice my heart you've been made whole by a love that will not let me go.

Oh joy that seeks me through the pain

 I can not close my heart to Thee I trace the rainbow

 through the rain and feel the promise is not vain

 that mourn shall tear-less be.

Rejoice my heart rejoice my soul my Saviour God has come to thee.

Rejoice my heart you've been made whole by a love that will not let me go.

Oh cross that lifts and holds my head I dare not ask to fly from Thee 

I lay in dust life's glory dead and from the ground there blossoms red

 Life that shall endless be!"

For now, being JieJie is enough. 

Hidden Paths, Walks in the Dark, and Translating.

I have to try so hard not to mold my writing to the style of someone else. Its kinda weird to admit that, really, since I have always been so dead set against conforming in this area, Just as my Mother, who homeschooled me through all the blow outs I had about NOT adding the edits she had made to my essay, edits which were there to make my jumbled words make sense. And yet now, when I see a blog that I enjoy reading I get this feeling that I should write more like them. Make my blog more interesting. So I am trying not to do that. But, I have decided that my blog needs more photos. Even if they have nothing to do with what I am talking about.

Boosh! It's a flower. You're welcome.

Many of you that know me know the story already. Seven years ago I was all set to apply to a school and move to Montana. When that door shut with a resounding BANG, I was left feeling pretty lost and frustrated. I took a walk, cried out to Him in regards to my plight, went home and soon found BMH. 

People have said how it was so brave of  me to move here in 2012 to start my language studies. It's never really felt that way to me, since it was just the natural thing to do. I wanted to learn the language, I wanted to be able to talk without using a middle man, what better place to do that but in country? The hardest thing has always been when it gets down to the wire and I don't know the next step. It feels like it takes a lot more guts for me to head back to the home of my birth then to stay in the home of my heart. 

True, there are still many months before I have to make any sorts of housing changes and have a new path. True, the spring semester has not even started. True I have spent my entire fall semester doing all I could to NOT think of the future. 

I don't want to think about fish right now *sob* Why then did I post this photo?

Yet it still creeps in. That fear. The fear of being useless. The fear that this was all for nothing. The fear that I have to give up my dreams and return to a place where I no longer have a place. {It sounds mean, but it is the truth!} 

As much as I told myself that my grades didn't matter to me, that it would be fine to fail them and stay in the same level next semester, actually bombing on my exams {I haven't yet gotten my grades back, but I am 99.99% sure there is no way I could have eeked out a  pass!} stung way more then I expected it to. 

While I had a great time experiencing all that I did with my boss in visiting the embassies and all, I kept feeling like I was striking out. Having the idea in my head that I had failed my studies and knew no more Chinese then I did when I arrived, seemed to be cemented in more firmly when I would blank on how to say things in the meetings. Even the ones in English, I felt like I did not perform the best and let my boss down. 

Already feeling rather low about it all, we went to dinner with friends. I have a hard time speaking Chinese around foreigners who speak better then I do. Its a pride issue, I know. Pride is most definitely one of my huge problems. Out of everyone there at this pizza dinner, my Chinese was by far the poorest, though I was one of two Americans. 

During the meal, one of my good friends was crying. Things have been very hard and lonely for her lately and she was sharing about it. And I sat there. Why? Because I didn't know what she was saying. Oh sure, I caught a word or two here and there, even full sentences at times. But there would be moments when I was sure I knew what was going on only to then have someone else say something that just threw me. {Meaning that maybe I was thinking they were talking about buying bread at the grocery store and how they could only find a loaf of White bread but then someone would agree that White bread is never found in their area. It was just all very confusing.} {And no we were not talking about white bread and grocery stores, its a made up example. Yeah, I saw that coming...sit down!} 

The very thing I had come here to learn and do, be able to communicate to those I love that are in pain, and here I sat at dinner with one of my good friends crying, and I was myself selfishly trying to hold back tears because of what a failure I felt like. Some friend, eh?  

It was such a horrible cycle. And it made my night end in tears as well, while I took a walk after we got back to the hotel. I just needed time to talk with Father and cry out to Him again about all of my fears in regards to my failing language skills and the fact that I really can't see the path 8 months down the road. 

A photo from a taxi in Beijing

{Even that there...here I was in Beijing, the night before I would go meet up with my friends to head to a winter camp that I didn't know I could take part in....I was there having paid no money myself and yet I was asking Father what His plan was and if He had forgotten me? I could write an entire blog about my wayward thinking in that area too, but that is for another day...or maybe not!}

This is the part where I realize I have already made this far too long and I skip ahead. Don't want to loose those who actually read this! :/ 

I love where I am. Being here at Shepherds Field has helped fill me up in just the way I needed. Camp was such an awesome start to refocusing my eyes. I got beat up more then once in terms of my pride, and it was so good! I made new friends, some of who were more then willing {So thankful for this} to take me aside and say "What is with your attitude?". 

And then it happened, 

I have stayed here after camp is over, for another much needed week of building and resting. {I am trying to help where I can, which is so restful really! The kids wear me out, that is for sure, but it is in such a good and much needed way!} 

The other day, I was heading back to the Inn {where I stay here} after having walked my little brother home, and I came across the PT here as she was finishing up work and walking one of the kids home. Since we were both heading in the same direction I waited as she stepped into the doorway of one of the homes. One of the kids we have had at both summer and winter camp, saw me was surprised that I was there instead of having left like the others. N was trying to tell him a bit of news, but he just kept saying "Huh?" and then he looked at me and in Chinese said "What is she saying?"  

I translated her message to him and his question back to her, and so on. 

I translated.

I keep taking my eyes off of Him and thinking that because it doesn't go exactly like I thought it should or would, that something is wrong. When really, all He wants is for me to trust Him. 

There are going to be times of fear still. I already know that. I still haven't seen how badly I blew the exams. I still haven't gotten the chance to talk about coming back to SFCV to work after my schooling, and I don't know that I am going to get the chance to do that. {Talk about it before I leave. My train is at 9 tomorrow morning.} 

But as always....He has this way of reminding me He has not forgotten me, and that it really is just that I have stupidly once again thought I knew better. 

Nothing, not even my winter break, has gone the way I thought it would. 

And that's just fine.