I process by talking or typing!

Tomorrow, December 29^th, I have a speaking final at 8am. It is the first of my finals, with the grand total being no more then 4. I know that sounds kinda strange, as I should have an exact number, but at the moment I don't. This semester I have been taking four classes, but one of the classes was one I asked to take as a refresher course. It is the first level character class. When the semester started and I was enrolled in the classes, I asked if I would need to take all of the exams as I have already been through this class and did pretty well. I was told that since I was in the class, of course I had to take the exams and pass. However, there was a day when I was asked to skip my class so I could help with a visiting delegation. It wasn't until a couple weeks later that I found out that while I was showing a group of people around campus and giving a presentation on our study tour, the rest of my class was taking the mid term. When the teacher and I talked about it later she said she saw no reason for me to take a make up exam or anything as she knew I had been through this all before since she was my teacher the first time around! I did take one of the quizzes and got a pretty good grade. So I may or may not have to take the character exam. I have to talk to her about it. If I take it, I have no idea how they will calculate a grade for me since I have no midterm exam score!

Tuesday is the exam I dread the most. Its my for my Listening class. This is my worst subject by a landslide. I got a 52 {out of 100} on the midterm. Trust me, I say that with no pride or false hopeful feelings. This class has me at a loss. The strange thing is, I feel like when I am talking with people, that my listening is my best skill! Meaning that I can understand way more of what someone is saying then I could hope to actually say. However, I think the reason for that is all context. I can listen to someone and understand what they are saying, I can then formulate a response in my head {Often I could tell you exactly what I want to say back in English but it is still hard when it comes time to put that into Chinese} and then often I can even make some sort of a reply. The reason for this though is that I do not have to understand every single word they spoke to understand the meaning and continue the conversation. That does not help when the exam has me identifying the similarities in three sentences being spoken. {“The dog walked across the street to the boy.” “I live right across the river from the big town.” “Though I had seen her many times at school, I had never before come across the rest of her family.” The similarity in these three, of course, being the word across. This is the kind of thing I have to do, only in Chinese. The audio recording of these three sentences would be played once and then I have to write down the word or phrase that is the same in all three. } Plus, in listening class, we have to listen sure, but we have to write our answers! Though this class might be the one I bomb the most at, character memorization and writing are my poorest to be sure. It doesn't bother me to a great degree as most of the time that I will have to write something I will have a computer, cell phone, or kindle with me! I might know that I want to say “I really love chocolate.” and I know how to say that in Chinese, but I might not be able to write it. But, if I want to text it to a friend, all I have to do is start to typing in 'wo hen xi huan qiao ke li” and it is going to give me the right characters for it. And once I see them, most of the time I will know they are right and choose the right ones. {What I mean by this is that if I type the letters qiao into my cell phone I am going to come up a bunch of characters such as 桥 乔 巧 壳 but I know enough to know that the word chocolate has 巧 as the first character, so I will be fine to type it.} Now, it is true that I can often now recognize a character, read it, and have ABSOLUTELY no idea what I am saying! I did that earlier today a few times while going over the work I have for my exam tomorrow. I saw 社团 and 加入 and I read them both. I knew they said 'she tuan' and 'jia ru'....but do you think I could remember what either meant? Nope! {I looked at them both, read them both right and then said to myself 'There is no way that's what they say cause how could I know how to read them but not know what they meant?' So I went to look them up and found they were indeed what I thought they read as, and was reminded of the meanings from the dictionary.}

Anyway. All of that to say, I am pretty positive I am going to fail. And I should be freaking out about that right? I mean, who wants to fail...not me! And I mean that. I don't want to fail.....but I actually don't want to pass. I don't think I should be put through to the next level and so as much as it is going to be a hit to my ego and I will hate letting my teachers down, I don't want to get a passing grade on my exams. The fact that I am OK with not passing is kinda what bothers me though. It is freaking me out that I am OK with failing, because I feel like this should bother me and I should be working 10x harder at everything to make a passing grade. I guess part of the reason I am writing this blog is to see the words out in type in front of me so I can try to make sense of things.

I have said it again and again, I am not here for the grades. I am here to learn Chinese. So the grade does not matter. But at the moment, I am not learning Chinese! :( That is why my grades are not good. This time it is not just because I do not test well. Without a doubt, I can say I do not know the information I am suppose to know to pass these tests this week. And for that reason, I want to do the classes over again to really be able to grasp them. It bothers me because I had this idea that I was going to come out of this year with an amazing grasp of the language, be fluent {to some extent, I am not delusional, its going to take years to sound like a real Chinese person when I speak} and be able to act as a translator to other foreigners, especially for my own family when my brother comes home. Thankfully, I don't feel like I have taken any steps back, I just don't feel like I have taken that big of leaps forward either.

Here is where it gets my head messed up a little and where maybe I am typing this blog to convince myself its alright to feel this way. When I use to get a grade that was really bad in my opinion, I would tell myself that it not big deal because I was doing so much other stuff. I was going to visit kids, I was hanging out with my Chinese student friends, we were having conversations {in both Chinese and English} that were very meaningful, and I was working on other relationships and such with other students etc. The problem with that this year is that I am not doing any of that! I have seen a group of 'my' kids a whopping 1 time since camp ended. My friends are either graduated and now working at a job, or they are all too busy as am I and we never get together, so I am not having conversations with hem in any language. I use to tell myself it was fine if I was not doing well as a student because I was that 'other' thing and it was more important,and it was also helping me with my language. But then I read about people doing that other thing....M....and I am not doing any of it! I am not going out to the middle of nowhere to hold a hungry child and comfort them {I can not tell you how often my little Josiah comes to mind! We visited his home one year after camp. He was 9 years old, but could not even hold his head up by himself. At the time I wasn't suppose to be lifting anything, but I just had to hold the little bundle.} I'm not helping build homes, or dig a well, or holding any sort of parties and gatherings for anyone. My life is not hard. I am not saying that in order to do anything for Father it has to be hard and a miserable life, not at all. But that is the truth. My life is not hard, and I am not sure if I am being challenged enough. And that makes me wonder, am I not being challenged because that is not what is needed at this moment, or am I Blake-ing out on this all and I am not ready for the challenges? Am I falling short on things and that is why I am not called right now to do anything other then fail at my classes and work in the office? Have I been put on a shelf for a time?

When I came back here in June, I came to do camp and then go to school and work. Most often now, I feel I am working and doing school. Sounds like a small change, but its not, let me tell you! I am so thankful for the learning experience I am being given at the office! Really I am! I feel like I am growing in areas I never expected and I am learning things I didn't know I needed. While I can not say that every moment is the joy-est of joys, or that I love every little detail about my work {Answering 60 emails from a single student can get a bit old.} But I use English for it all! I am the English assistant. I make the phone calls that require English, write the English emails, help edit the English fliers, and research papers, articles, and websites that are in English. It is helping me learn a lot about how to work in a Chinese office, how to communicate with people of all sorts of differing country backgrounds, how to be pushy to get something done {Hey Mum, did you ever thing I needed to learn how to be pushy? You have no idea!! Oh Brodeur!!} It is not really helping my Chinese improve at all. And while I am so thankful for not only the learning but also just the opportunity to do something I never thought I would have the chance to do, I wonder if it is a detriment to my studies at all.

I get discouraged at times. Not just because I feel I am not learning the language like I am suppose to, but because I feel like I am not doing much of anything that I came here to do.

Man...the problem with writing this all in a blog though is that as I write it out, all the right things to say and the right answers pop into my head. Lol. That doesn't sound like a bad thing I know, but it is just that I already know them, and so I feel like I should add them in this when I am thinking of them, but at the same time that doesn't mean that it makes me stop feeling the way I am at the moment. Does that even make sense? I guess what I mean is that I already know this stuff and yet I am not living it because I allow myself to get caught up in the downfalls, but by ending it all on a good note and saying “hey look, I know what I am suppose to say and what you are going to tell me” it makes it look like everything is fine now and I am back on track. When I might still be just as confused as before and still working things out in my head. You'd think I'd have more of this silly stuff figured out, the whole being an adult thing, at 30, yeah? {Insight into why I am still not yet married, perhaps?....that is an entirely different blog...that may never be typed out!}

The right thing to say right now is the same thing I have said for the last six years. I stink at planning my life. Every time I try to do it, I fall flat on my face. Before this, when I tried to plan things and have my bright-shiny day, it turned to poo. I did not end up in China because it was my plan from the beginning. This was never my goal! My first goal was not on this side of the planet at all, and my second goal was in a country to the south west of here. Never China. And once here, my goal was not to go to school, nor was it to spend 9 months working at a candle shop in the States, or to return to China and work in an office. But the right thing to say is that I know it is all better then my plans. The right thing to say right now is that it is all going to work out well. The right answer is that I need to keep my eyes focused where they should be and rest in the fact that as long as I am not the one planning where things are going they will work out far better.

I know all of those right answers....but I still don't know if I should feel bad that I am not working harder to pass these exams this week. Because if I pass the exams, I am going to be more lost then I was this semester.

Mostly what I am worried about is letting everyone down. It might not bother me that I fail my classes and repeat the semester starting in March. But what about the others that helped me get here? What about all of those that are helping me through this? What about when others find out that not only am I not only am I not learning all the material I should be, but I am also not going to visit kids, or doing any of the other stuff I did before?

In conclusion I suppose I should take some of my own advice. The other day, I was talking with a foreign teacher. I was reminding her that she is not doing any of this alone, as she prepares for some not so fun stuff during the break. She said that it sometimes still feels like it, even though she knows she is not suppose to be. I stood firm with her and told her to get her eyes back where they belong and focus on that. Trust me when I say, this is not me just saying the 'right thing to say' I know I am not alone. I know that even when I feel as if I'm doing this solo, I know it is all in my head. And it doesn't seem to last too long. He always has a way of showing me that when I least expect it.....or sometimes after I have asked for it! :)

The Independent one

A few years ago, I was 'stationed' at the Yantai Bring Me Hope camp for two weeks before a switch over to the Xi'An camp for the final two.
As a 'Staff-Volunteer' an idea we were trying out where I would fulfill both the duties of being a staff member all four weeks as well as being a buddy for all four, I was paired with two beautiful boys during one of my weeks. I was part of the Hospitality crew, so from time to time my family would accompany me on a run to get someone fresh water or more sheets, etc.
 One of my boys had never before seen a white person and was, at first, a bit scared by this odd, large women with the bright hair. Our other child was fiercely independent. It took me most of the week to really feel like I was able to connect with my boys much.  Though we had our moments, for the most part they were fine to just do things on their own and were 'ok' that I was around but not too much more then that. However, by the end of the week, I was smitten for sure by my two buddies and knew it was going to be hard to say goodbye.
Though I loved both boys very much, I had become more attached to my little independent poppet, even though he didn't often let me get too close or really need me at all. When Friday goodbye day came, I was told that only my older boy would be leaving with the other kids. The two boys had come from different homes and the time table was different for the two of them. We said goodbye to the one we had named Ike, dried our tears, and refocused on the one we still had, the one with the 'I can do anything' attitude.
Because he was only one of two that had come from his home, all the other translators had the rest of the day off and had decided to go shopping in town. My translating partner told me she planned to go with them, and then took off leaving me and little man by ourselves. Being that it was the end of the week, I had more work to do as a staff member to get ready for our next week, and so he followed me around,helping as we dropped off passports at every room, and made sure everyone was stocked on supplies. We spent all day together, playing, colouring, and just having a good ol' time. He blabbered on, the entire time knowing I couldnt understand a thing he said! I would talk to him too, knowing the same was true for him. It was one of the best days of that week. Just me and my boy, hanging out.
That night, we had a debriefing time and I brought him in with me to mine. He played quietly in the room as we all talked about the week and cried together over the children we didn't know if we would ever see again. I remember looking over at him as we were all talking, and saying to the others "I just wish I knew what he was thinking! I wish I could talk to him." He was getting tired I could see, and was fighting sleep off, but he just sat there staring at me from across the room. Sitting next to the bed, I wondered if he would just climb up there and fall asleep, but instead, he came over to me and patted my legs to let me know I should hold him, so I picked him up and placed him on my lap.
Afraid to scare him, I did my best to hold my tears at bay as, for the first time all week, I was 'allowed' by him to cuddle. While everyone cooed at such a touching moment, I explained how he had never before felt comfortable enough to let me hold him for long. He would let me pick him up to get him down a hill that was too steep for him to go down on his little trike, or to help move him to a high chair or something, but every other time he was quick to let me know his place was back on the ground where he had control over where he was going. This time, not only did he let me hold him, he fell asleep in my arms. Not taking it for granted, I rocked him and quietly cried for the rest of our meeting, knowing that in the morning I would have to say goodbye to him as well.
It was this moment, as well as others like it, that stoked the fire in me to learn Chinese. No longer did I want to have to 'wonder' what my kids were thinking, I wanted to be able to ask them! In fact, I would only complete one more summer of camp before deciding to take a year off to save for school.
Now, four years later,I am nearing the end of my third semester of language studies in China. I can finally ask my friends how they are feeling, what they are thinking, and comfort them when they feel like crying.
And what of my little go-getter? He now lives outside of Beijing at a home, where he is called Ronny, the name I gave him at camp. Though he does not know it, the day will soon come when his Dad and Mom will come pick him up to take him home. A day when he will not ever have to face another goodbye day like the one we had four years ago.

If you are interested in helping in the continuation of this young mans story, please visit http://www.gofundme.com/gielr8 to donate and help his parents reach the goal of meeting up with their son for the first time.

"How does someone so small, hold my heart so tightly? I don't even know you, I love you completely."- JJ Heller

The scattered thoughts of a Monday

I put myself on a strict budget a little over a week ago. 20Rmb a day. It has been so awesome to see the oil in the container stay at the same level, if you will. Most days, I can actually use less then the full 20 which is helpful because I can put the left over aside for a day that I need more. {Such as coming up I am sure I will need to buy TP, laundry soap,or shampoo so I will use the extra to go towards that.} There are days when I will spend a little more, but get something that will last a bit longer then the one day or one meal. Such as, buying a large loaf of bread one day so that I don't have to buy it the next. Some days its a jar of mayo or a jar of jam, so that I can make sandwiches for the next few days. I gotta say....I am loving it! I think I have eaten better then before because of being more creative! And I have always loved to see what I can do on a shoestring budget! Instead of just running out and getting a plate of something they make at the cafateria downstairs, I will actually go to the store and buy veggies so I can put together some sort of a pasta salad with my instant noodles. Or, one of my favourite options, is to get some tomatoes and cucumbers and make sandwiches with mayo, garlic salt, and Italian dressing mix. Thursday morning, I want to ask if I can be late to work so that I can make apple fritters for my classmates, teachers, and coworkers. So I have been slowly buying the things I need each day so as not to have to do it all at once. {I already have the flour and oil, so I am just buying things like sugar, eggs, and milk each day.} Oh shoot....that reminds me! I forgot to bring cinnamon. Note to self...find out if any of the 外教 have cinnamon I can use.

My little brothers home coming is getting closer and closer, becoming more and more real. As it dawns on me that this is finally going to happen, we are finally going to be a family of multi-colours, another thing has occurred to me!

My parents are going to come to China!

When my best friend, who you may know as my sister Kade, and younger sis Kat came to visit me for the first time, it was awesome and weird at the same time. I had never really expected my two worlds to come together like that. That was coolness in itself, but to have the people who raised me for the very thing I am doing, come here and see the place that has captured my heart, life, love, and attention?! It is both nerve wracking and exciting all at the same time. Never did I imagine getting to actually have them with me here.

I am hoping that they get to fly into the ZZ airport here and let me pick them up, show em around SIAS and all, and then go together to get Little Dude. However, even if they have to go straight to get the smallest Hep, I will move mountains to be there at the airport when they touch down, and I will still get to see them experience China! They have heard me speak Chinese before,so it isn't like that is going to be a shock or much of a thrill, but they have never had me introduce them in Chinese! :) The fact that they have {I am pretty sure at least} agreed to let me be there to introduce them to their new son....well I could just burst into tears right here and now! When I started learning this language, I do not ever remember thinking about the fact that I could some day use it to show my parents the home of their kids! Never really thought they would ever make it here.

If you get my update emails, you already know that I was asked to stay here and earn my bachelors degree. I would be provided with a scholarship that would waive the tuition fee, leaving only my living expenses such as my room, books, insurance, food, etc etc. My knee jerk reaction was “NO!” cause ya'll know I have never made it a secret that I hate school! Yes, I am loving learning this language, I love my teachers, I love that I know how to carry on a conversation now because of the classes I have attended. And I hate school! Lol! I was afraid that it was only my dislike for studying that kept me from accepting it, so I asked to be given some time to think it over and buzz about it. And then I did just that. For a few days, I thought over it, talked about it with my family back in the Mitt,and spent time in buzzing about it too. In the end, I still decided to turn it down. Even though it is what I wanted, I have to admit that it does make me a bit scared,because that is now another thing that won't keep me here. I have done my best not to think about or try to figure out yet what I am doing after this year of school is over. It was a decision I made before getting here, that I would leave that to my second semester. Not wanting to spend much of my time concentrating on that and taking time away from getting use to my life here and work and all, I thought it best to leave it to the second half. Yet I keep getting things thrown at me that mean I HAVE to think about it, at least a bit. And the fact that even with thinking of it, I still don't know what I am going to do after.....I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me even a little. I know now, though, that I will not be staying at SIAS to earn a bachelors degree in Business.....so perhaps I should take that as a comfort. I know something! Knowing what I am not doing can be as important as knowing what I am doing, at this point at least.

It is strange how things change year to year, though! Last time I was in this situation, I wanted nothing more then to be able to say that I was going to go back to the States to pack up and return a month or two later. I wanted to stay here, even if that meant not going back during the summer at all. I did not want to think about having to go back and stay for an extended undetermined amount of time. This time my first year, I was looking all over for something to do that would keep me here in China for good, and not really allow me to return. {Keep in mind, this time last year my brother was not dating his soon to be wife, so I had no idea that I would have a sister to meet, nor had I burst that new disc and needed to return for medical work, and I was still thinking that there would be a chance for me to work as a staff member for BMH here in China. By the time I flew back to the States, it is true that I wanted to spend a bit of time there, to get my back worked at and to meet my new big sis. Though I did spend more time then I expected to I truly am thankful for the time I spent there and all that happened in my stay!} This time though, I am so excited to go back,...again not for long, but I am looking at staying a little bit. Maybe this time will work the same way as before and because I am wanting this to be a bit longer of a trip it will be a short trip {Like how my last one was to be a short one and it was long!} I am looking forward to being part of my little brother getting to know the family. I don't want to just be that face he saw a few times and knows from camp, but doesn't really know as his sister. That has always been a fear of mine with the siblings I have known since birth and still worry from time to time they will feel that way. {Like they don't know me really} and I don't want it for this brother either.

That being said.....I so want to live in China! I want to be part of kids lives! :-D Just in case anyone was thinking my heart had changed at all!!

But, for now, I am going back to not thinking about the future! :D I am going to concentrate once again on what I am doing right now. My school and my work...and some projects I have not had time to get to yet! I have been wanting to work on something for this summer's camp here and have not been able to get the chance to do it yet. HOPEFULLY, I can get myself to not be so lazy this winter break,and kick my own butt if needs be, in order to get it done in time to start helping with camp prep once school starts back up! I again have such a list of things to do during my break. I just hope I don't end up putting it all aside in order to watch movies and sleep!

And that is today's randomness!

Stuff! A compromise.

So people have asked me, what kinds of things I miss while I am here or things that I can not get easily,in order to send me care packages and such. To be very honest, there are very few that I miss and can simple not do without! There are so many things here that are either close enough to what I would use/eat/buy/find etc back in the States, that I really don't need for much. And so many other things that I can't find when I am in the States that I love so much as well! I think it balances itself out! That being said, there are a few things I have found make life here a little bit easier or that help pull me out of a bad mood, etc. But, when people ask what they can send me, I hate to answer! I really don't like to give people lists of stuff to give me. Yet at the same time, I have been told before that if I do not ever provide answer to that question that I am keeping people from being able to be a blsng.

I have decided a compromise is best. Because I have been asked recently, I figured I would post a blog about the things that I find most useful and then people can always find things on here if they wish to. I find it very awkward to go back and say “Hey, remember you asked if I need anything,..yeah, well now I do!”

Here are some things I will NEVER turn down.

Drink powders/additives. Things like MIO or country time lemonade powders go such a long way to help! Even though drinks here are pretty cheap, it saves me a lot of time and money to be able to make things in my room. Even tea,coffee and kool-aid mix are a great thing to have in my cupboard!

Spices. There are still a lot of spices I can get here, that is true. I could go into ZhenZhou and buy things at the baking store or at Metro....but many of those things come in these HUGE bags that I just don't have the space or money for. And things like garlic powder, cinnamon, basil, nutmeg, and such are all so great to add to my meals and baking, helping me spend less on pre-made stuff and actually be more adventurous in what I can make in my room

Dressing Mixes. I don't eat much salad around here. Though I do try to make some now and then, some of the things for it are pretty hard to come by. The long and short of it is that I do not have a fridge to store something like dressing in, so I can't really have it around. But I brought two packets of Italian dressing with me and I have been using it like a seasoning. I don't really make a dressing so much as add it like a spice to my cooking. Works great! And, if I ever have the stuff around to make a salad, and I can always throw together a dressing as well.

Cheese powder from Mac and Cheese. China doesn't do much cheese. I can add this to instant noodles and some milk and voila I have mac and cheese without having to boil noodles!Also in the past, I have used it in my cooking where I wanted a cheese flavour as well! {Broccoli and cheese?! YUMM!!} During camp, someone left microwave Velveeta mac and cheese. The packets inside were not powder but actually a smooth cheese sauce! It was awesome! {Though, the Velveeta itself would be really too heavy and expensive and the microwave ones are also far too pricey just to send me the tiny cheese pouch!} Pretty much anything that has a cheese type of flavour! Haha

Tuna. Can be a can of tuna, a pouch of tuna, or the tuna and cracker things! It is one of my favourite things! And, and helps with some of the vitamins I cant get in other foods due to some of my allergies!

Beef Jerky My family sent this to me in a package once and I kinda laughed at it a bit. While I ate it every now and then in the States, it wasn't anything I ever would have put on a list that I missed. But then I ate it....and realized that it was just the thing I was needing! Its a familiar taste and something I have yet to find around here

Chocolate. Need I say more? I have found some really good substitutes here, to be honest. It is getting better. But there is still nothing that beats a good ol' bag of chocolate chips or MnM's!!

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Anything home made. And I do mean anything. {Ok, within reason!} This could be food or even a fun craft or something. If it is something I can show off that I have a talented friend, I can probably use it as a good object lesson or as a way of showing creativity etc. Or, if you send me something that is handmade that you do not mind if I do not keep, I have a unique gift to give to a friend or teacher that will help brighten up a day! And if it is food...well, who doesn't like something home made,right?!

Cards No, not a deck of playing cards! If I really needed those I could find them in all manner of stores around here! Pretty, thank you, birthday, get well, thinking of you, encouragement, and even blank greeting cards. While there are a few places I can find a select number of some sort of greeting card and such, it is so nice to have a supply of simple and elegant cards. I brought a box with me and am excited that I am able to hand out cards whenever I want....but I can always use more! During camp I used up a nice amount of them.

Ointments. Triple antibiotic, anti fungal, anti bacterial etc etc. Anything that will help heal, sooth, or protect a cut,scrape, or rash.

Cleaning wipes. My sister brought me a tube of Clorox disinfecting wipes. Again, it wasn't anything I had thought about before, but they have come in handy so many times! I use them to clean all sorts of things in my room!

Hand sanitize. It all works! No matter if it is a non scented germ-x kind of a thing, or a pretty smelling Bath and Body works type, I use them all the time!

Stain stick. Now it may just be that I have not looked hard enough, but I have not yet found something here like a Tide wash and go pen or anything.

Non-USPS items: There are also things that are helpful or 'fun' that do not need to be sent through the mail. Honestly, an email, text,or Skype call are some of the most awesome things! I love it when I get those...and I am not just saying that to make me look cool! But then there are things like Skype credits, text+ credits, and amazon cards that go a long way as well. I can use the Skype and text+ credits to make calls to friends and family, and I can use amazon credits for things like books,text+ credit, and apps.

Like I said, I hate telling people what to send me. I feel selfish! I don't like to tell anyone when I need things because I would rather not bother everyone. Also, again, to be very honest, there is so very little that I truly NEED. Living here is not like living in the wilds of any place, and I am so well taken care of and looked out for! So really, these are not things I am telling anyone they have to send! They are just ideas if you already had the notion to do so! :)

Keep on chugging...so that soon I'm not such a chug!! ;)

So here is the latest update on weight loss. These were taken today, Sunday the 16th. 

I was feeling like the photos don't really look any different then before, so I tried a different shirt. Maybe the pink/orange thing is on the big side and doesn't show what I think to be true, that being that I have lost weight. 

Still not sure. I don't have a scale and I'm not even sure I would want one as I would be too sad if it didn't show what I feel! lol! The big upside is that I am feeling better! My back is not hurting as much as it was before and my ability to handle longer periods of everything {walking, standing, sitting, stairs etc} are enough for me! 

I climb 70 stairs everyday at least twice to go to work. When I started that, I felt like I had run a mile by the time I got to the top. Now, though it is still not the best feeling in the world, I can do it without wanting to pass out! 

Thank you to everyone who has been encouraging me and helping to push me! Please keep it up! There is still a long ways to go, I think! :)

Walking towards Genesis.

It has been close to three weeks since I made my "I'm tired of being fat" declaration and began to work out again. While I have not really been asked about it unless I bring it up first, I think the fact that I know there are people who are aware of my goals and have agreed to help keep me at it, has in fact made me be a little more motivated and become accountable.

Though my MO is to go full force and burn out far too quickly, I have managed to stick to a bit lower level intensity and hope that helps me stick it out long enough to once again feel skinnier and more fit. {I am not going for Skinny! I will never be skinny! I came to that conclusion long ago and I am ok with it. My focus is not to be skinny, it is to be fit, healthy, stronger, in less pain, and able to handle the things that get thrown at me!! hah!} I did start out a bit too gung-ho and ended up taking myself out of commission for a couple days! My shins had begun to hurt terribly from the shin splints that decided to rear their ever present by often dormant head. Thankfully, because my Father is good to me and knows my every need, a teacher here at the school saw an update I made about it, and had a pair of shape up sneakers that she is letting me use! They have made a world of difference! I can even feel them helping when I am not working out! It is hard, though to not over do it, as I have always loved the idea of running and being out there on the track with so many other joggers and runners makes me feel like a wuss when I am just chugging along at my 2 mph walk. Thing is, I am horrid at jogging and so always end up running. And I can't do either for long at all, and by the time I am done my 20 feet of running, I am now not even walking at 2 mph cause I have worn myself out! I have managed now to get a  fourth of a mile in at a run...but that is total! What I mean by that is I sprint for a bit, go back to my walk, then when I am back at the place where I stopped sprinting I pick it back up and sprint a bit further. I keep that up until I have run around the track once. I managed to do that the other night in just three sprints. {Trust me....that is good for me!} I have also added my PT back into the mix and have been able to get back to three reps of 15 per set on each. It is no cross-fit or P90X WOD, but it is more then I would be doing otherwise.

I also take comfort in knowing that I will be getting some exercise just by going to work! The office has moved back over to the admin building and that is at the top of a ton of stairs! I think of Rocky as I reach the last step inside the building! {We are on the fourth floor. There are three flights worth of steps outside, and then the last flight inside. It is the last flight that always kills me! I have to stop outside of the office and catch my breath so they don't think I was chased all the way there!} Most days I will be going up and down those stairs three and four times a day! {Mondays and Fridays I have one class in the morning and one class in the afternoon. This means I will go to class, then go to the office, go to lunch, then to class, then back to the office before my final trip down the stairs whenever my work is finished for the day. And that is if I am staying in the office the entire time and not having to run anywhere!}

Ok, so photo update time. I thought I was seeing a difference already, but it would seem, after looking at the photos that it is all in my head! lol! At least I am feeling the difference! My pain level has gone back down to a more manageable daily dosage and in fact some days I am in next to no pain! PTL!  My hip has been bugging me and I know that my psoas is way out of whack so I am not too concerned by the pain. I am working on getting that to ease up and release. The fact that I can do an entire 15 leg lift without having to use my hand to manually lift my right leg is encouraging! I know that means that I am regaining some of the strength I have let myself loose!

My Mum always had the saying "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" as her motto for work outs. Awhile ago I came up with my reason for walking as "To get the guy, to fit the dress, to have the kids, to keep my legs." {this worked really well when I was walking around a mall that had tons of dress shops that also carried wedding dresses.} I still tell myself that, but I think I want to add one to it. I want to "Walk towards Genesis". Genesis {Or Genny} is what I hope to name my first girl at Lotus Bridge. I am going to need to be able to keep up with the kids at the Bridge and in order to keep my legs from further nerve damage, that means keeping my back in shape! So while I was out tonight walking I pretended I was logging hours in some walk a thon for Genesis! hee hee! Whatever works, right?

Tired of being fat

All my life I have struggled with weight! Not so much up down as always up and wanting to be down, but lacking the motivation to get there. There was this wonderful year many moons back, when I 'competed' with my sister and we each dropped over 60 pounds! I want to be that size again!

That! I want to be that again! I was happy, I was healthy, I felt pretty good, and I was confidant! I even have good hair in that photo! Plus, it is post surgery, so there is no telling myself that I can't do it because of my back,. 

Each time I have come to China, I have lost weight! Its been great! But it would seem that the trend has been put to rest. Things that were fitting when I left the US, are needing to be packed away for thinner days! 

However, more importantly and more critical, is that my daily pain scale has gone back up. At first I just ignored it, telling myself all manner of things in order to ignore it. But after trying to put on the corset I got for Christmas, and finding that I broke a nail and strained my back trying to get into it, I had to admit to myself that it is harder to get out of bed and more painful to move these days because I have let myself gain the weight back, 

SO, today I came to a conclusion. I am done {again} withe being fat {again}! And I am done with being in this much pain again. I know how to take care of it and I am not going to risk the health of my back and legs just so I can continue to be lazy. Due to the fact that I am the person in charge of anything the international students have to do for Culture Week this year {We have all of Asia day! This means the country boards out in the square, talks in the classrooms about the different places, food to be sampled, and the days end performance. I don't have to DO all of it, but I am in charge of making sure it all gets done and everyone has the supplies and help they need.} I am thinking it will mean there will be no time for me to actually be in any of the things for CW. {Since we only have Asia day, there is no event or activity where I am going to be needed. I will just be helping to run things from behind the scenes that day.} That means no great exercise program thanks to the dances I sign up to do. I am going to go it alone this time!

Why tell the internet of this new goal? Well, it might seem that it is for sympathy, or for someone to tell me "Its not that bad! Just a few pounds" or some other sort of pat on the back. Its not. Its for a kick in the seat! I want to try to embarrass myself into shape! If others know that I want to get healthy again, and that I am going to do my best to go out and walk every day or find some sort of limited impact cardio {Like the dance routines I did last time I was here} then maybe those people can check in on me now and then to make sure that I really am giving it my best! 

It is a new week, so I started today. I love to walk, so it wasn't something I was dreading. Usually though, I can just turn on my ipod and start. {I have a few playlists that I have made for just such an occasion. They are each just over an hour long with slower songs at the beginning and end for a warm up and cool down} And yet this time, I started out and before I had even made it around the track one time, my shins were throbbing and my back was screaming at me! I have not had problems with my shin splints like this in a long time. Just further evidence that I have 'let myself go'. During tonights walk, all of my health problems reared their ugly heads it would seem! The asthma I have not had to worry about has me still a bit lung sore and wheezy even more then three hours after I finished! {I neglected to take any of my emergency allergy medications with me! oopps!} The black out spots that I had years ago and underwent tons of tests because of were back too! 

BUT

I made it! I paused my playlist, went to the side and spent some time doing some PT and warms up stretches. When I got back into the walk, I was still sore but not nearly as bad. I was even able to jog/run a bit....though I know that is a bad idea and will probably pay for tomorrow! My feet are gonna have blisters on them so I am going to tape them up for my next bout! :D After my hour long walk I did about a 10 minute cool down with some PT as well. {See Mum, you taught me right! I remembered to stretch my legs after!} I could hardly lift my right leg for the last rep of 15 knee lifts {I did my normal 3 rounds of 15 per side like I use to in PT} but I finished everything I set out to do. 

One of my problems is that I go out too gung-ho and then fizzle out because I over did it, so I am going to try to NOT do that this time! :) 

I knew the song on my playlist that marked the end of the hour walk and start to my 10 minute cool down, and had begun to beg for it to play as each song came to an end. 

I was nearly in tears as the last few songs played but not due to exhaustion. The last three songs {Before my cool down} were the cause. The first was one that really helped me through the decision to return to the Mitt last year. "You have a much better purpose and You have a far greater plan and You have a bigger perspective cause you hold the world in Your hand. The things that I seek are from You. Like the strong healing touch of your hand. But when you say no help me trust even though there's a reason I cant understand."

The next is called Destination and reminded me of what my purpose was for being out there in the first place. "I've gotta make a destination. Find where I belong. This time there aint no hesitation and I'll be moving on, to where I belong!" 

I nearly lost it on the third song. Must have heard it 15 dozen times last summer. 

"Little hands, shoe less feet, lonely eyes looking back at me. Will we leave behind the innocent to grieve? On their own, on the run when their lives have only begun? These could be our daughters and our sons. And just like a drum I can hear their hearts beating."

Maybe I am just being overly dramatic, but being reminded that the pain in my back could cause a halt in my plans to help the children I have met was enough to push me to finish. And I hope it is enough to keep my going. I hope the pain in my heart outweighs the pain in my back! :)

{The other night, at the steak dinner I helped plan, I was asked a ton of questions about the kids I work with. When thanked about it, I said how I loved to talk about them, but how i was proud I had been able to hold it together this time and make it through a conversation like that without tears. One of the ladies asked me "You cry when you talk about these kids? Does that happen often?" I said "Nearly every time!" She said "So they are really in your heart, aren't they?"}

No matter what the reason, and no matter if I am being overly dramatic or not...whatever it takes to get me back from FAT!! I'll take it!

This ended up being much longer than I meant it to be! If you are still reading, YAY! Would you please be one of my accountability partners?! Check up on me and make sure that I am sticking with it, not over doing it, but not allowing myself to make pain an excuse! :) 

Here are the before photos!

I don't think I am back to my "Never again" size, but I am probably near the number I swore I would never let myself drop up to! 

Thanks everyone!

Sorry its so long!

The problem with this world.

I hate to say goodbye.Funny then that I should chose to live my life in such a way that makes goodbyes inevitable at almost every turn. Today I had to say goodbye to a very good friend of mine. She was only here for two days,but it was enough to get to chat a bit and it did wonders for me. But as she left I realized that the summer is over now. Sure I am back to school already,but I knew I had her visit to look forward to. Here for camp first and then on to other BMH related touring, she was the last of the non China based staff to make her way back to the other side. It was like it hit me again, now starts the new year of my life. 

For reasons unknown to even my own self, I have been emotional the past few days. Feeling more like a child in high school than a grown college student far past the age of one in school. It is not that the classes are too hard, though they will prove to be a challenge as I already knew they would, and it is not that my work is too much to handle, even as it turns out there will be quite a good load for me this year. I am not sure why it has been such, except that it has been two months now. Two months since I left my other home, a month since I said goodbye to my sisters, best friend, staff, and little brother.

My sister posted the link to blog post, the author of which has a spinal disease. She was declaring that she was not her "disorder and nothing more". She would decide who and what she is, that being: complete in the Father, not allowing her 'shortcomings'  to determine her existence. 

This got me to thinking about the things that I often say of myself:

I am not broken because I am 30 and have no prospect of marriage or family in the foreseeable future. 

I am not broken because I am 30 period. 

I am not defective just because my back has given up on me.

I am not incapable just because I can not do things without thinking "Will it kill me due to allergies?"

The thing is, I fight so hard to NOT be defined by these things that I think I become them to a greater degree.

 I have accused one of my sisters of being an 'ageist' because she often fears that people look down on her in response to her age, or hold others at a higher esteem solely due to their age and not their personal capabilities.  Again and again I have proclaimed that age does not matter to me, and I still hold to that truth in every other case then when it comes to me and my own number of years.

A few years ago I came to the conclusion that I would reconcile myself to never being married and having children. Happiness in my singledom was possible, I knew, and would be where I lived. However, I must say that I have not since been able to achieve such contentment, and have at times found that the pursuit of such rest has led me to focus on my solitary state of being even more. 

It has long been my determination to last as long as possible in any new relational situation without the other party being privy to my surgical past and often painful present existence. And yet this can, in many cases, lead to some 'dramatic' story telling at some point or a hasty reveal when I am asked to do something that could prove dangerous to my spinal or over all health. This effectively undermines the entire process of not allowing this to become a thing.

And it was while sitting with my friend, talking about how much it stinks to be single, how lonely this path of ours, the travel and separation from things we know, the path we have chosen and love, just how difficult it can be at times, it was then that I was reminded of something important. 

I do not need to work so much at NOT letting these things define me. That is a slippery slope that has some nasty drops into beds of exactly that from which I run. 

My defining needs to be found outside of me. It is what I have been taught since I was a child. 

I am not defined by the things in the life of Carmella Christina Victoria, because I am not suppose to just be Carmella Christina Victoria. 

"The problem with the world is me." 

This friend, the one to whom I had to say farewell this morning, often has a way of silently causing me to come to these sorts of conclusions. I must say, I have been abundantly blessed with the group of friends and family the Father has seen fit to place in my world. This time, it was BB who made me stop, refocus, think, and die! That being said, I am so thankful to know that I have so many others who will be the next one to do that same thing, in their own unique way. 

This road to my Lotus Bridge would be far easier if I would get out of my own way!

Once in a lifetime

Since my first trip, I have heard it over an over again. "How wonderful that you can do this! That is a once in a lifetime opportunity" Even when I was on to my second and third trip, one of the most popular things I heard was about how you don't get to do that kind of a thing more than once. It never made sense to me. This is my fifth time and I am still hearing it! It has only bee lately that it has sunk in why people say it at all. 

The two things I dislike hearing more than anything {in regards to my trips} are:

"This is a once in a lifetime chance/opportunity"

and

"You are such a good person to do this!"

Honestly, neither are true! Not for me! First of all, as I have already stated, this is my FIFTH TIME! I can understand that for many people, things such as school, career, family,and work can make it hard to near impossible to do things like yearly mission trips, or even just yearly trips at all. So when someone hears that I am going and they are not aware of the fact that I have been before, then I give some leeway and understanding. 

Now the second one bugs me even more and has been getting harder and harder to hear. I know why people say it, and I know that they often do not mean any harm, yet I can't help but get a little put off by this. To be very honest, I feel like being told this actually cheapens the whole thing. I am not going to China,spending my summer at camp, learning the language,building relationships, and looking to move there to be a good person or because I am one. 

The other night, I was having a conversation with someone and they said "I have to just tell you how much I admire what you are doing! I so admire that you are putting your life on hold to go and do this in China. You are such a good person! Karma is really going to be great to you the rest of your life and will follow you and your family for years and years now." 

That's when it really clicked for me. People think this is me putting my life on hold, going off and fulfilling some sort of a fantasy or short term goal before continuing on with my actual plans. 

She said  "....you are still putting everything here on hold while you are at it." 

NO! I'm not! 

See the thing is,I am not biding my time until I find what I want to do. I'm not trying to get in my good deed while I am single so that I can feel better when I have a family and don't have the time and money. {Lets face it....I don't have the money now even when I don't have kids or a husband!} 

Not only is this my life, not only is this what I know I am suppose to be doing, but it really isn't me doing it! It really is the Lord that gets me through all of it, and it is only because He has given me this path, and a love for a country and people that I had never considered before! But see, to say that when people are telling me what a 'good person' I am, really makes me sound {and feel} like such a fake put on! It feels like fake humility when I am saying it in response to someone telling me what a good person it makes me. {Not so much when they say what a great thing it is to be a part of. Just when they tell me that it makes me a 'good person'. } 

Life isn't on hold. My life is still rip roarin'! And if I end up,for some reason, having to return to America, then it is not picking my life back up and 'starting over'. My hope is that I can continue on with the dreams I have for the future in China, but honestly I am taking it year by year {and sometimes it is more like month by month} 

I am 30 years old! This IS my life! :-D And I am so thankful for it to boot!

The China Coaster

As always, just like every other year I have gone, this has been an up and down, roller coaster of a ride on my way back to China. And now, as the days tick down, now in the 30's before I take off to start BMH camp, there is a new road bump.

I had been concerned up until now mostly by the Visa situation. You see, I will enter the country on a tourist visa so that I can work at camp. Then, when school begins, I need to be on a student visa. This is done easiest from your home country, and applying for a student visa is not possible while still in {Mainland} China. Talking with many different people and doing my own research, I have found that I will need to fly to Hong Kong, Thailand, Korea, or some such nearby place in order to be outside of the country and then apply for a new visa. Though all the details and fine tuning things were not under control yet or sorted, I was more at peace about it all once again.

Every time that I get scared and worried, something happens to settle my spirit. God is so good. He knows just when I need a push, just when I need some struggles, when I need a friend or families encouragement. I know that He will provide for all of my  needs and concerns.

Than being said, it is no surprise that with this latest hiccup/bump, I have more peace and calm than might be expected.

I have just found that all of the bills for school are higher than I had anticipated/budgeted for. Even before this, I did not have the money for school and camp {Which I have to go to, given that my ticket had to be scheduled for long before school was in session and camp gives me a place to live and something to do and is a place that holds my heart.} and now even more so I do not have the money with the new prices.

Months ago when I contacted the school about returning, I had been told that I could have an internship that would provide me with a full tuition scholarship. I have not heard since then if that offer still stands, so I have tried to contact those that gave the initial offer, so I can see if that is still an option for me. {For various reasons I had been hoping that I would be able to pay for school on my own and not be in need of this internship.} That would greatly reduce my costs and help so much. {I just pray that, should I need to use it, I am not so busy with the internship that I have no time to do any orphanage visits. My hope is not to have my life be school, sleep, study,and office work.}


I have said it already, but it can never be said enough....God is good. I know that none of this has surprised Him like it has me.

Please pray with me that not only am I able to weather the bumps and continue on the ride no matter how up and down it gets, but also that I would never stop giving Him the glory and praise for it all. That I would always make sure my life is a reflection of His care and power. Pray that I have a peace in this.

And pray that I have the money when I need it, Visas when they are required, plane tickets to where I need to go when I need to go, and the ability to go see my kids and take part in the lives of lots of Chinese students and orphans!

Thank you all for the support and love you have been showing me!
:)

The what?

Welcome to my blog! If you have known me for awhile, you will know that though at heart I have always felt I am an author/writer, I have NEVER been good at keeping up with a blog. And yet, here we go again. I am going to try to keep one. We shall see how this goes!

"Journey to huh?!" 

When I joined Bring Me Hope at camp for the first time, years ago, I was bitten by the China bug. {No, not that one. Ok...so,true I have been bitten by many China bugs, but this is the good one!} China is now my home, and it is there that I see myself having a future. When I could no longer take just going for a month or two and working the summer there, I moved for a year to study the language so that my transition over would be smoother....some day soon I hope. There was one year that a friend and I made plans to move over and begin taking classes together, as we built up some sort of a rapport with the local orphanages so that we would better be able to advocate for the kids. While the idea and plans were tabled and put away indefinitely, the seed had been planted in both my head and heart and has continued to grow for the past two to three years. As I was in China taking my language courses, the ideas took more shape and form since I saw more of what was needed and what could be useful to the community in which I would like to live.

I do not think I could handle running a foster home,or an orphanage, nor could I raise the number of kids that I want to impact on my own. Though my heart breaks that there are not enough arms to hold all of the precious gems that I have met in the orphanages and homes I have visited, I don't see that my starting another one is the way I am to go.  This is where the bridge comes in. I have met many people over the years of summer camps, who have asked if there is a way for them to return to the area at any other time during the year to see the kids with whom they have bonded. I would like to provide the bridge, the ability for people to return to China, stay with someone who knows both the area and the language, so that they may serve. A home for people who are just passing through and need a place to stay, and in return they use the gifts that they have to impact the children and students in my home area.

"Ok, but a bridge?"

Ultimately what my dream involves is getting tutors, drama enthusiasts,musicians, nurses, chef/cooks,bakers, seamstresses, you name it,each one with a heart for Father, all excited about coming over and lending their talents to the local orphans. I want to build a relationship with the directors of the orphanages so that they would allow me to cultivate friendships with the kids who are aging out, those who will need to know life skills and more, so that they could come to Lotus Bridge and learn. I have plans to do workshops and parties, book clubs and sewing circles, hang outs and Skype chat days. While I would not want to leave out the kids that are waiting for their forever families to arrive and pick them up {my home/apartment would also be open to families who need a place to stay on their way to their sons and daughters} my heart has been stolen by those who have been left behind. Those that have ages out, those who have no papers, for those for whom adoption is not an option.

I have loved watching what it does to bring people from all over the world together with students in China and put them together with kids from an orphanage. I want to be apart of doing that all year round as well! My hope is that people would come back to see the translators who gifted them with the help of translation during camp, and then together go and visit the kids that made that life changing week of camp all that it was.

Since this dream took root in my head, I have talked it over with many people on both sides of the pond, asking for advice, opinions, criticism etc. I know that there are many ways that you can travel to China and volunteer with kids! And I am thankful for all of them. I know that my idea is not exactly the most original of them all. But I also know it is where Father is leading me, and it is something I see a need for in the area I call home.

"There is the bridge, but where does Lotus come in?"

I was at the airport during one of my first trips over when I got a text from my Mum commenting on  how much I had in common with a lady from long ago: Amy Carmichael. She told me how she had been talking to Father and He reminded her that I even shared part of the same name!
While I was at school, and dreaming more and more about what I would do once I had somewhat of a grasp on this simple language {can you tell sarcasm in type?} which I was learning, I began to read a book written by Miss Carmichael, in which she described coming across a pond with flowers and was told that they were not to be touched because they belonged to the temple. Like those flowers, the children to whom she gave aid had been told they belonged to the temple only and were unwanted otherwise. She called her children "Lotus Blossoms". It was her goal to teach her blossoms about the One that made them beautiful and to Whom they really belonged. I want to help others reach the Lotus Blossoms of China.

The Bridge home is still a long time in becoming a reality, but each step I take I feel gets me closer to my little Blossoms and the Bridge that will teach them.

Please join me, both online in print, and at the Throne as I make my "Journey to the Lotus Bridge"

-Carm-
安雅慧