The problem with this world.

I hate to say goodbye.Funny then that I should chose to live my life in such a way that makes goodbyes inevitable at almost every turn. Today I had to say goodbye to a very good friend of mine. She was only here for two days,but it was enough to get to chat a bit and it did wonders for me. But as she left I realized that the summer is over now. Sure I am back to school already,but I knew I had her visit to look forward to. Here for camp first and then on to other BMH related touring, she was the last of the non China based staff to make her way back to the other side. It was like it hit me again, now starts the new year of my life. 

For reasons unknown to even my own self, I have been emotional the past few days. Feeling more like a child in high school than a grown college student far past the age of one in school. It is not that the classes are too hard, though they will prove to be a challenge as I already knew they would, and it is not that my work is too much to handle, even as it turns out there will be quite a good load for me this year. I am not sure why it has been such, except that it has been two months now. Two months since I left my other home, a month since I said goodbye to my sisters, best friend, staff, and little brother.

My sister posted the link to blog post, the author of which has a spinal disease. She was declaring that she was not her "disorder and nothing more". She would decide who and what she is, that being: complete in the Father, not allowing her 'shortcomings'  to determine her existence. 

This got me to thinking about the things that I often say of myself:

I am not broken because I am 30 and have no prospect of marriage or family in the foreseeable future. 

I am not broken because I am 30 period. 

I am not defective just because my back has given up on me.

I am not incapable just because I can not do things without thinking "Will it kill me due to allergies?"

The thing is, I fight so hard to NOT be defined by these things that I think I become them to a greater degree.

 I have accused one of my sisters of being an 'ageist' because she often fears that people look down on her in response to her age, or hold others at a higher esteem solely due to their age and not their personal capabilities.  Again and again I have proclaimed that age does not matter to me, and I still hold to that truth in every other case then when it comes to me and my own number of years.

A few years ago I came to the conclusion that I would reconcile myself to never being married and having children. Happiness in my singledom was possible, I knew, and would be where I lived. However, I must say that I have not since been able to achieve such contentment, and have at times found that the pursuit of such rest has led me to focus on my solitary state of being even more. 

It has long been my determination to last as long as possible in any new relational situation without the other party being privy to my surgical past and often painful present existence. And yet this can, in many cases, lead to some 'dramatic' story telling at some point or a hasty reveal when I am asked to do something that could prove dangerous to my spinal or over all health. This effectively undermines the entire process of not allowing this to become a thing.

And it was while sitting with my friend, talking about how much it stinks to be single, how lonely this path of ours, the travel and separation from things we know, the path we have chosen and love, just how difficult it can be at times, it was then that I was reminded of something important. 

I do not need to work so much at NOT letting these things define me. That is a slippery slope that has some nasty drops into beds of exactly that from which I run. 

My defining needs to be found outside of me. It is what I have been taught since I was a child. 

I am not defined by the things in the life of Carmella Christina Victoria, because I am not suppose to just be Carmella Christina Victoria. 

"The problem with the world is me." 

This friend, the one to whom I had to say farewell this morning, often has a way of silently causing me to come to these sorts of conclusions. I must say, I have been abundantly blessed with the group of friends and family the Father has seen fit to place in my world. This time, it was BB who made me stop, refocus, think, and die! That being said, I am so thankful to know that I have so many others who will be the next one to do that same thing, in their own unique way. 

This road to my Lotus Bridge would be far easier if I would get out of my own way!