I sit on a train right now, a million
thoughts about my summer running through my brain. So far, I have yet
to even so much as write an email about anything that happened, let
alone a blog. Things kept me busy and I never had the determination
needed to force myself. It was not for lack of interesting things to
say. And in fact I knew that it was going to make it one hundred
times harder once the summer was over, since it would result in a too
long to read blog post. This is how it goes with me though. I am a
feast or famine type of person it would seem. For months during the
school semester I did well with a daily blog. Things got a bit
tighter schedule wise,though, and I dropped it!
Let me see if I can break things up at
all and try to come up with a good, all round update that will hit
all the highlights. If I can change my personality a bit, perhaps I
can then find it in myself to later fill in the blanks in further
blogs. I do not hold out too much hope for that change, though, so I
encourage you not to hold your breath.
First, I must go way back.
I graduated!
It was strange to have the ceremony
that we did. It was weeks before our semester was officially over and
when my name was called, I walked the lane and was handed an empty
certificate holder, I had yet to complete three of my four final
exams. Stranger yet was looking at my grades later in the summer and
seeing that, if it was based off of them only, I would most likely
not be allowed to graduate. They aren't taking it away from me
though, and did in fact award me with an actual certificate which
says I have graduated {Not only completed the course or a certain
time frame, graduated} from the Intermediate level Chinese language
and culture program. Given that all of that marked the end of my time
as a SIAS student and put an end to my career in any capacity there
at the university, I think I handled it all pretty well.
For months now I have been getting
myself geared up and ready for things. Ready to be done school,
prepared for leaving China, all set to work four weeks of camp and
have my heart ripped out repeatedly, so on and so forth. Yet, it
would seem that time and time again Father has set it up for me that
there is always something to look forward to after so that I am not
having to be broken for long. Me and my drama queen brain has been
trying to work that out even on its own...I am so thankful for this
fact, that I have always something more to look forward to so that I
do not become too despondent and depressed. The thing I have been
trying to work out is WHY I am allowed such a gift. I know that
sounds like an odd thing to say and I am not trying to be ungrateful
in the least.
All during camp, and even before
really, I have had a friend who is going through a very rough time.
Life for him is just not good and he often asks me why he can not
have anything good in his life. I try to be a good friend, I try to
give him answers from scripture and turn his eyes to the right place,
but I often feel like a failure in this case. While things have not
always been ice cream and marshmallows in my life, I have never felt
like quitting life. When faced with the heartbreak of having to leave
my home and the sick feeling in my stomach of not having certainty of
a return, job upon my return, a home, money, etc, I am gifted with an
awesome return trip! {Which I will go into more in a little bit. I
just have to get these thoughts out of my head first.} Even something
as silly as when I had to say goodbye to a group of kids that I love
dearly, the next week would hold someone special in it to act as a
soothing balm for my heart. When it was time to say goodbye to my
sisters and walk away from them at the airport, not only did the fact
that I would see them in three weeks help my big sister worries, but
my sadness at goodbye was calmed by the knowledge that after a short
train ride, I would be reunited with many dear friends from the camp
staff team for a night in Beijing and then a flight to Korea. And in
Korea, shortly after my goodbye to that group of people, I was
unexpectedly blessed by a visit from my favourite Korean Oppa!!
This all not only reminds me that I am
not equipped to ever tell someone in the depths of despair that I
understand their pain, but also reminds me of how little I have had
to endure and experience. Where is this thought train going, I really
don't know. It is just something I have been mulling over for awhile
now. Part of me wonders if I am that weak. I have always had
something else to look forward to and to hold on to. I have always
felt Father there with me, even if I took my eyes off for awhile and
caused myself to feel distance. So how am I going to hold a 14 year
old child and be able to offer comfort when they have no forever
family to look forward to? Am I really going to be a good jiejie to a
16 year old who questions why she is in pain everyday and will never
have a mother to hug her and give her a moments break from it all
You might be able to tell from this
little rabbit trail that the theme of my summers heartbreak has once
again been the unadoptable children. Before I go back to chronicling
my summer in order here, let me tell you more about the kids that I
cant think of without tears in my eyes.
Three summers ago, during my first year
as a SIAS staff member, I met a boy who soon became known to me as
Romeo. He is a symbol of strength to me. Unable to form many words,
his vocal conversation is limited mostly to 'hao' {Good in Chinese}
“OK” and sometimes a name or two. He can also grunt, laugh, cry,
yell, and giggle. Due to his special need, others are needed to aid
him in his eating, changing, bathroom, bathing, and walking. But the
thing about Romeo is this. He can't 'speak' but he can tell the
greatest jokes. He cant walk, but man does the kid move quickly! He
can't feed himself, but he shows the most amazing bravery when giving
his trust to those that provide him food and water. When he is
thirsty, he opens his mouth, and motions with his never still hand
and arm, that he wants a drink. Once you have brought him a cup, he
throws his head back and waits for you to pour a small amount in so
he can slowly gulp it down and try not to choke on it. Many times,
for various reasons, he does choke and the liquid goes spraying
around as he sputters and gasps for air. And yet, once he has stilled
his breathing, he again throws his head back to allow you to give him
more. After, the look in his eyes is nothing that can be mistaken for
anything other than gratefulness.
Romeo has been my 'boyfriend' now for two
years. This was his idea, and he seems very pleased with himself. We
have a special way of communicating and I love it! Even if we are in
a crowded room, he knows how to catch my eye and he always greets me
with the biggest smile....often followed by a swift punch to the jaw,
but I know that is in love. {And no this is not just me making
something up to make myself feel better! ;) We play fight all the
time and it is part of how we relate. But if you ask him if he loves
me, he will give me a big hug and has even from time to time said it
in words!} The past two summers, he has been the buddy of my sisters,
which has made me very happy cause it meant that I was able to hang
out with their family group more and also better able to explain to
his family group why I was sticking so close! Thankfully my sisters
both understood and were not upset. Or at least they did a great job
of hiding it if they were and TOLD me they were OK with the fact that
he asked me to sit with them often, or take his camp photo with him,
or colour pictures in his book, things like that.
When I saw his name on the roster for
week four, I was super excited to see him again. But as quickly as my
heart soar, it broke.
Romeo is 14.
He will never have a forever family. No
matter how much advocating I could do for him, no matter how many
people I share his incredible awsomeness with, no matter how many
others fall in love with him as much as I have, he will never be able
to have a mom and dad. This fact not only breaks my heart, but makes
me more angry than I can say! In the past, I have said it and mean
it....I do not know a single 14 year old that does not still need
parents! Laws that keep kids that age and older from being in
anything other than an orphanage/foster/care home setting are just wrong. I want
to scream, I want to yell, I want to change things. And I can't. It
is for this reason that I will continue to go back to China as much
as I can. If they can not be with a family then family will come to
them! I am glad to know the home in which he lives and I do not fear
that he is not treated well or that his childhood has been one of
pain and neglect. Yet even the very best of foster group homes and
orphanages do not compare to that of an actual home setting with
parents and other loved ones. It is also my hope that our camp never
becomes one for the adoptable only! Should that ever happen....I
guess I would have to start up my own for those children of my heart!
;)
Me and my Romeo
Ok, lets see.
Highlights:
I was given the position of Translator
Coordinator once again! YAY!!! I love that job. Even after feeling
like I failed it big time last summer, I was excited to be allowed
another crack at it! Beyond that, I was partnered with an amazing
young lady! She was so fantastic! Janet taught me so much and I loved
watching as she grew this summer as well!
We had a new challenge this summer!
Along with our usual translators, we were testing out a new concept
that we called “Chinese Family Groups” or CFG's. These were
family groups formed by two Chinese students and the children, rather
than a student or two with a foreign buddy.
I feel that my Chinese improved over
the summer as I got to speak with children often as well as interact
with translators in more Chinese. It is still not where I want it to
be, and my goal that I have set for myself, and something I shared
with every weeks group of wonderful translators, is to one day be
able to host/hold meetings all in Chinese! No translator necessary
and no English needed. It is far off in the future, but there will be
a day, Lord willing and should He tarry, where people will hear me
speak and not know I was born in America unless they look at me! ;)
“Give the phone to Ya Hui” There
are many ways in which I love to hear my Chinese name used, but this
has got to go down as one of my top favs! On the way out of China
after camp, one of my traveling companions was getting regular calls
from his favourite camper. She has a great grasp of the English
language, but there are still many things in which she needs help
when communicating. Once she learned that I was there as well, she
would ask to have the phone handed to me when she could not
understand what was being said or when she thought she was being
misunderstood! He soon began to feel bad about it for my sake he
said, because he would have to hand the phone to me, I would explain
something or get an explanation which I would then relate to him
before handing the phone back to him, only to have it repeated a few
short minutes later. To tell you that was the best thing that could
have happened to me that day is no understatement. She is an
extremely sweet girl and I was so beyond happy to help him be able to
talk with her. The fact that they both felt comfortable not only with
me being part of their conversation but also trusting me to properly
interpret the words being spoken,....it was a gift I tell ya! And
just what I needed as I was leaving the homeland of my heart!
I went on a first class train ride!
Never done that before. When I got to the train station in Zhengzhou,
I found out that all the tickets were sold out! It would have cost
far too much money to return to Sias for the night and try again the
next day, so I had to opt for the only thing left available for me.
It was a 500 RMB seat on a train that was over five hours later.
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