The exam

I just got my midterm back for what is probably the biggest/most important class. It combines everything, though we just call it Intensive Reading. I knew I had not done well on the exam, knew it. It didn't bother me! Test scores don't worry me, I kept telling people. And so knowing I had failed, I never asked to see my grade. Yet today, she pulled out the exams and I took a look. I held it together long enough to get out of the room, but I am not ashamed to admit that the tears didn't stay at bay too much past the closing of the elevator doors.

Not getting a 100 on an exam is ok. I have always been ok with not being smart! I was never smart! That honestly is ok with me. You will not find me trying to convince a person that I can do higher maths or that I can think up theories and deep hypothosis'. I am not smart, and that is fine with me. But I hate being dumb. Not getting a 100 on an exam just means you didn't know everything on the test. Looking down at a 49 on a test, to me that says you're dumb. Did I mention I hate being dumb?

My fall back is always to say that at least I can speak. At least I know it is that I can't ever do all that well on tests no matter how hard I try. Yet the truth is, I have gone to every class, I practice, I do study {not a ton, I will admit to that!} I try to learn and I do put my heart into what I am here to do, so seeing a 49 staring back at me when I know that there was a possible 103 to be had....yeah, that doesnt say not smart that says dumb. Saying that at least I can speak, at least I can talk to people so I am learning something, doesn't really hold much weight when I sit down next to someone who has never studied but has picked up on so much just from living here and can carry on a conversation possibly better than even I could. People can learn to speak, never having stepped foot in a classroom, never having spent the hours in books that I have. So even though in the end I am able to let the bad grade slide off my back, I can not lie and say that looking at it doesnt prick like a sword to the lungs.

I did my usual song and dance, though on my own this time as I have not shared the news with anyone else. Trying to find that good side of it. Telling myself things like “You got a 90+ on your speeking exam! You have been told over and over again what a great job you did in the performance the other night! You got a 13 out of 12 on the essay portion of this exam you failed and she said, not for the first time either, how great your writing is.” Those are all meant to help boost my bruised ego, which then of course made me ashamed to be patting myself on the back so I quickly changed to looking for what I could learn out of this for furthering my work for Him and to be a light!

I can speak with kids pretty well.

I can act, even in Chinese.

I don't need to have a good grade or be able to read in order to play with kids.

I know enough to share with people.

I can still sing.

I can still write a good story, even in Chinese.

These are all things I hope to use for Him. And yet still, as I was going over those things, something stuck out to me. I, I, I, I, I, I.

It hurts like crazy, because once again I am coming face to face with one of my biggest fears and worries. My life is not where it should be and I am not living 100% fully for Him like I need to be. I a still so selfish, still trying to do so much on my own strength, still wanting to prove to people that I can be the best at something, proving to people that I can be a good Follower of Him and that I won't fall...and yet all of that focuses on the wrong thing! I need to be weak so that He can be shown strong through me...but He doesn't need me! I am so good at this self centered stuff that I can even take a good thing and make it about me instead of where it should be! Is it a good thing that I can speak to kids and act in a play and sing and share? Yeah! I am so thankful for all of that. But I keep taking that and using it as a means to pat myself on the back and say that I don't need to work harder in other areas to be more like what I am to be! That because I can speak to kids, its ok if I can't read and write properly. Even sometimes going so far as to say that because I note the downfalls in my life and how I live, that once I identify them I can just keep moving on cause at least I noticed them!

Maybe He is not going to use me by utilizing my ability to act an Evil Step Mother, or a courageous warrior who takes on a kingdom with 300 men. He may not even use the fact that I can speak and identify with kids in two languages. Again and again He shows me that what He is using is the broken parts of me. The weak, torn, cracked, bits that I keep trying to puff up with the things I think are good. What I want to learn is that it is not about the strengths or weaknesses I have that will make me useful. It is Him. I know that I do not always do the best job of making Him or my family proud. He knows that better than anyone.

Please don't think that I have it all together and just need praise and pats on the back. Please keep buzzing for me that I will strive to put Him first in my failures and achievements. That I might press towards the prize as one who has not yet obtained it,ever mindful of the fact that I am not worthy of the gift I have been given, and always steadfast in the goal.