Tired of being fat

All my life I have struggled with weight! Not so much up down as always up and wanting to be down, but lacking the motivation to get there. There was this wonderful year many moons back, when I 'competed' with my sister and we each dropped over 60 pounds! I want to be that size again!

That! I want to be that again! I was happy, I was healthy, I felt pretty good, and I was confidant! I even have good hair in that photo! Plus, it is post surgery, so there is no telling myself that I can't do it because of my back,. 

Each time I have come to China, I have lost weight! Its been great! But it would seem that the trend has been put to rest. Things that were fitting when I left the US, are needing to be packed away for thinner days! 

However, more importantly and more critical, is that my daily pain scale has gone back up. At first I just ignored it, telling myself all manner of things in order to ignore it. But after trying to put on the corset I got for Christmas, and finding that I broke a nail and strained my back trying to get into it, I had to admit to myself that it is harder to get out of bed and more painful to move these days because I have let myself gain the weight back, 

SO, today I came to a conclusion. I am done {again} withe being fat {again}! And I am done with being in this much pain again. I know how to take care of it and I am not going to risk the health of my back and legs just so I can continue to be lazy. Due to the fact that I am the person in charge of anything the international students have to do for Culture Week this year {We have all of Asia day! This means the country boards out in the square, talks in the classrooms about the different places, food to be sampled, and the days end performance. I don't have to DO all of it, but I am in charge of making sure it all gets done and everyone has the supplies and help they need.} I am thinking it will mean there will be no time for me to actually be in any of the things for CW. {Since we only have Asia day, there is no event or activity where I am going to be needed. I will just be helping to run things from behind the scenes that day.} That means no great exercise program thanks to the dances I sign up to do. I am going to go it alone this time!

Why tell the internet of this new goal? Well, it might seem that it is for sympathy, or for someone to tell me "Its not that bad! Just a few pounds" or some other sort of pat on the back. Its not. Its for a kick in the seat! I want to try to embarrass myself into shape! If others know that I want to get healthy again, and that I am going to do my best to go out and walk every day or find some sort of limited impact cardio {Like the dance routines I did last time I was here} then maybe those people can check in on me now and then to make sure that I really am giving it my best! 

It is a new week, so I started today. I love to walk, so it wasn't something I was dreading. Usually though, I can just turn on my ipod and start. {I have a few playlists that I have made for just such an occasion. They are each just over an hour long with slower songs at the beginning and end for a warm up and cool down} And yet this time, I started out and before I had even made it around the track one time, my shins were throbbing and my back was screaming at me! I have not had problems with my shin splints like this in a long time. Just further evidence that I have 'let myself go'. During tonights walk, all of my health problems reared their ugly heads it would seem! The asthma I have not had to worry about has me still a bit lung sore and wheezy even more then three hours after I finished! {I neglected to take any of my emergency allergy medications with me! oopps!} The black out spots that I had years ago and underwent tons of tests because of were back too! 

BUT

I made it! I paused my playlist, went to the side and spent some time doing some PT and warms up stretches. When I got back into the walk, I was still sore but not nearly as bad. I was even able to jog/run a bit....though I know that is a bad idea and will probably pay for tomorrow! My feet are gonna have blisters on them so I am going to tape them up for my next bout! :D After my hour long walk I did about a 10 minute cool down with some PT as well. {See Mum, you taught me right! I remembered to stretch my legs after!} I could hardly lift my right leg for the last rep of 15 knee lifts {I did my normal 3 rounds of 15 per side like I use to in PT} but I finished everything I set out to do. 

One of my problems is that I go out too gung-ho and then fizzle out because I over did it, so I am going to try to NOT do that this time! :) 

I knew the song on my playlist that marked the end of the hour walk and start to my 10 minute cool down, and had begun to beg for it to play as each song came to an end. 

I was nearly in tears as the last few songs played but not due to exhaustion. The last three songs {Before my cool down} were the cause. The first was one that really helped me through the decision to return to the Mitt last year. "You have a much better purpose and You have a far greater plan and You have a bigger perspective cause you hold the world in Your hand. The things that I seek are from You. Like the strong healing touch of your hand. But when you say no help me trust even though there's a reason I cant understand."

The next is called Destination and reminded me of what my purpose was for being out there in the first place. "I've gotta make a destination. Find where I belong. This time there aint no hesitation and I'll be moving on, to where I belong!" 

I nearly lost it on the third song. Must have heard it 15 dozen times last summer. 

"Little hands, shoe less feet, lonely eyes looking back at me. Will we leave behind the innocent to grieve? On their own, on the run when their lives have only begun? These could be our daughters and our sons. And just like a drum I can hear their hearts beating."

Maybe I am just being overly dramatic, but being reminded that the pain in my back could cause a halt in my plans to help the children I have met was enough to push me to finish. And I hope it is enough to keep my going. I hope the pain in my heart outweighs the pain in my back! :)

{The other night, at the steak dinner I helped plan, I was asked a ton of questions about the kids I work with. When thanked about it, I said how I loved to talk about them, but how i was proud I had been able to hold it together this time and make it through a conversation like that without tears. One of the ladies asked me "You cry when you talk about these kids? Does that happen often?" I said "Nearly every time!" She said "So they are really in your heart, aren't they?"}

No matter what the reason, and no matter if I am being overly dramatic or not...whatever it takes to get me back from FAT!! I'll take it!

This ended up being much longer than I meant it to be! If you are still reading, YAY! Would you please be one of my accountability partners?! Check up on me and make sure that I am sticking with it, not over doing it, but not allowing myself to make pain an excuse! :) 

Here are the before photos!

I don't think I am back to my "Never again" size, but I am probably near the number I swore I would never let myself drop up to! 

Thanks everyone!

Sorry its so long!

The problem with this world.

I hate to say goodbye.Funny then that I should chose to live my life in such a way that makes goodbyes inevitable at almost every turn. Today I had to say goodbye to a very good friend of mine. She was only here for two days,but it was enough to get to chat a bit and it did wonders for me. But as she left I realized that the summer is over now. Sure I am back to school already,but I knew I had her visit to look forward to. Here for camp first and then on to other BMH related touring, she was the last of the non China based staff to make her way back to the other side. It was like it hit me again, now starts the new year of my life. 

For reasons unknown to even my own self, I have been emotional the past few days. Feeling more like a child in high school than a grown college student far past the age of one in school. It is not that the classes are too hard, though they will prove to be a challenge as I already knew they would, and it is not that my work is too much to handle, even as it turns out there will be quite a good load for me this year. I am not sure why it has been such, except that it has been two months now. Two months since I left my other home, a month since I said goodbye to my sisters, best friend, staff, and little brother.

My sister posted the link to blog post, the author of which has a spinal disease. She was declaring that she was not her "disorder and nothing more". She would decide who and what she is, that being: complete in the Father, not allowing her 'shortcomings'  to determine her existence. 

This got me to thinking about the things that I often say of myself:

I am not broken because I am 30 and have no prospect of marriage or family in the foreseeable future. 

I am not broken because I am 30 period. 

I am not defective just because my back has given up on me.

I am not incapable just because I can not do things without thinking "Will it kill me due to allergies?"

The thing is, I fight so hard to NOT be defined by these things that I think I become them to a greater degree.

 I have accused one of my sisters of being an 'ageist' because she often fears that people look down on her in response to her age, or hold others at a higher esteem solely due to their age and not their personal capabilities.  Again and again I have proclaimed that age does not matter to me, and I still hold to that truth in every other case then when it comes to me and my own number of years.

A few years ago I came to the conclusion that I would reconcile myself to never being married and having children. Happiness in my singledom was possible, I knew, and would be where I lived. However, I must say that I have not since been able to achieve such contentment, and have at times found that the pursuit of such rest has led me to focus on my solitary state of being even more. 

It has long been my determination to last as long as possible in any new relational situation without the other party being privy to my surgical past and often painful present existence. And yet this can, in many cases, lead to some 'dramatic' story telling at some point or a hasty reveal when I am asked to do something that could prove dangerous to my spinal or over all health. This effectively undermines the entire process of not allowing this to become a thing.

And it was while sitting with my friend, talking about how much it stinks to be single, how lonely this path of ours, the travel and separation from things we know, the path we have chosen and love, just how difficult it can be at times, it was then that I was reminded of something important. 

I do not need to work so much at NOT letting these things define me. That is a slippery slope that has some nasty drops into beds of exactly that from which I run. 

My defining needs to be found outside of me. It is what I have been taught since I was a child. 

I am not defined by the things in the life of Carmella Christina Victoria, because I am not suppose to just be Carmella Christina Victoria. 

"The problem with the world is me." 

This friend, the one to whom I had to say farewell this morning, often has a way of silently causing me to come to these sorts of conclusions. I must say, I have been abundantly blessed with the group of friends and family the Father has seen fit to place in my world. This time, it was BB who made me stop, refocus, think, and die! That being said, I am so thankful to know that I have so many others who will be the next one to do that same thing, in their own unique way. 

This road to my Lotus Bridge would be far easier if I would get out of my own way!