Hidden Paths, Walks in the Dark, and Translating.

I have to try so hard not to mold my writing to the style of someone else. Its kinda weird to admit that, really, since I have always been so dead set against conforming in this area, Just as my Mother, who homeschooled me through all the blow outs I had about NOT adding the edits she had made to my essay, edits which were there to make my jumbled words make sense. And yet now, when I see a blog that I enjoy reading I get this feeling that I should write more like them. Make my blog more interesting. So I am trying not to do that. But, I have decided that my blog needs more photos. Even if they have nothing to do with what I am talking about.

Boosh! It's a flower. You're welcome.

Many of you that know me know the story already. Seven years ago I was all set to apply to a school and move to Montana. When that door shut with a resounding BANG, I was left feeling pretty lost and frustrated. I took a walk, cried out to Him in regards to my plight, went home and soon found BMH. 

People have said how it was so brave of  me to move here in 2012 to start my language studies. It's never really felt that way to me, since it was just the natural thing to do. I wanted to learn the language, I wanted to be able to talk without using a middle man, what better place to do that but in country? The hardest thing has always been when it gets down to the wire and I don't know the next step. It feels like it takes a lot more guts for me to head back to the home of my birth then to stay in the home of my heart. 

True, there are still many months before I have to make any sorts of housing changes and have a new path. True, the spring semester has not even started. True I have spent my entire fall semester doing all I could to NOT think of the future. 

I don't want to think about fish right now *sob* Why then did I post this photo?

Yet it still creeps in. That fear. The fear of being useless. The fear that this was all for nothing. The fear that I have to give up my dreams and return to a place where I no longer have a place. {It sounds mean, but it is the truth!} 

As much as I told myself that my grades didn't matter to me, that it would be fine to fail them and stay in the same level next semester, actually bombing on my exams {I haven't yet gotten my grades back, but I am 99.99% sure there is no way I could have eeked out a  pass!} stung way more then I expected it to. 

While I had a great time experiencing all that I did with my boss in visiting the embassies and all, I kept feeling like I was striking out. Having the idea in my head that I had failed my studies and knew no more Chinese then I did when I arrived, seemed to be cemented in more firmly when I would blank on how to say things in the meetings. Even the ones in English, I felt like I did not perform the best and let my boss down. 

Already feeling rather low about it all, we went to dinner with friends. I have a hard time speaking Chinese around foreigners who speak better then I do. Its a pride issue, I know. Pride is most definitely one of my huge problems. Out of everyone there at this pizza dinner, my Chinese was by far the poorest, though I was one of two Americans. 

During the meal, one of my good friends was crying. Things have been very hard and lonely for her lately and she was sharing about it. And I sat there. Why? Because I didn't know what she was saying. Oh sure, I caught a word or two here and there, even full sentences at times. But there would be moments when I was sure I knew what was going on only to then have someone else say something that just threw me. {Meaning that maybe I was thinking they were talking about buying bread at the grocery store and how they could only find a loaf of White bread but then someone would agree that White bread is never found in their area. It was just all very confusing.} {And no we were not talking about white bread and grocery stores, its a made up example. Yeah, I saw that coming...sit down!} 

The very thing I had come here to learn and do, be able to communicate to those I love that are in pain, and here I sat at dinner with one of my good friends crying, and I was myself selfishly trying to hold back tears because of what a failure I felt like. Some friend, eh?  

It was such a horrible cycle. And it made my night end in tears as well, while I took a walk after we got back to the hotel. I just needed time to talk with Father and cry out to Him again about all of my fears in regards to my failing language skills and the fact that I really can't see the path 8 months down the road. 

A photo from a taxi in Beijing

{Even that there...here I was in Beijing, the night before I would go meet up with my friends to head to a winter camp that I didn't know I could take part in....I was there having paid no money myself and yet I was asking Father what His plan was and if He had forgotten me? I could write an entire blog about my wayward thinking in that area too, but that is for another day...or maybe not!}

This is the part where I realize I have already made this far too long and I skip ahead. Don't want to loose those who actually read this! :/ 

I love where I am. Being here at Shepherds Field has helped fill me up in just the way I needed. Camp was such an awesome start to refocusing my eyes. I got beat up more then once in terms of my pride, and it was so good! I made new friends, some of who were more then willing {So thankful for this} to take me aside and say "What is with your attitude?". 

And then it happened, 

I have stayed here after camp is over, for another much needed week of building and resting. {I am trying to help where I can, which is so restful really! The kids wear me out, that is for sure, but it is in such a good and much needed way!} 

The other day, I was heading back to the Inn {where I stay here} after having walked my little brother home, and I came across the PT here as she was finishing up work and walking one of the kids home. Since we were both heading in the same direction I waited as she stepped into the doorway of one of the homes. One of the kids we have had at both summer and winter camp, saw me was surprised that I was there instead of having left like the others. N was trying to tell him a bit of news, but he just kept saying "Huh?" and then he looked at me and in Chinese said "What is she saying?"  

I translated her message to him and his question back to her, and so on. 

I translated.

I keep taking my eyes off of Him and thinking that because it doesn't go exactly like I thought it should or would, that something is wrong. When really, all He wants is for me to trust Him. 

There are going to be times of fear still. I already know that. I still haven't seen how badly I blew the exams. I still haven't gotten the chance to talk about coming back to SFCV to work after my schooling, and I don't know that I am going to get the chance to do that. {Talk about it before I leave. My train is at 9 tomorrow morning.} 

But as always....He has this way of reminding me He has not forgotten me, and that it really is just that I have stupidly once again thought I knew better. 

Nothing, not even my winter break, has gone the way I thought it would. 

And that's just fine. 

 

Think about it, where did it go?

Hello!! 

Where did January go?! Oh my goodness! So here I make a goal of keeping better track of things, which was suppose to include making more posts and then I go AWOL for nearly the entire month! 

Got to go out to a mall. Fun...but I was still in my high heel boots. Ouch! I spent 12 hours total in two days in those things!

The short story is that I have been busy! School finished, but work didn't. I was still working for the school every day up until the 17th of January. 

We had a nice, but TINY hotel room during our stay in Beijing

On the 15th my boss and I made a fast train trip to Beijing. That same day we met with the Education manager for New Zealand at the NZ embassy to introduce our school and see if we get students from their country to attend. Straight from that meeting, we went over to the embassy for Ecuador! I have to say that country now has a new place in my heart! ;) It was so much fun to meet the Consular Ambassador of Ecuador, as he was SUCH a nice guy! Very exuberant and warm. Plus, they gave us some really awesome gifts, Im not gonna lie that put them on top! {I mean, we are talking two really cool books which I will have to take photos of later to show off, a mouse pad, a pen that is also a USB, a lanyard, a bookmark, and two DVD's or CD's about the country.{I haven't put them in my computer yet to check them out...been too busy!} But probably the best thing was a matching set of winter mittens and toque that say "All You Need Is Ecuador"! And all of the gifts were in a reusable bag with the same slogan.} The next day, we went to meet with the Educational manager of the Bahamas Embassy. The cool part about that meeting was that my boss asked me to run with it and be the one to make the presentation!

While I was in Beijing with my boss.....I ate this! This, ladies and gents, is a pigs foot. 

I like to say that I have now been to New Zealand, Ecuador, and The Bahamas because technically I was on their land in the Embassy! Being the assistant to the International Students Recruiting Director really has its up sides! ;) 

After all of our meetings were over, we were able to meet up with some mutual friends and have pizza. It was really good to see them! I won't go into detail, but that night, as nice as it was to hang out with friends, was super hard on me. After I felt super selfish and really bad about it, but it did cause me to do a lot of thinking. 

My boss, Karmi, with the Consular Ambassador of Ecuador.

The Ecuador Ambassador, Karmi and I in the Ambassadors office.

So, as great as all of that is, and as perk filled as that makes my job sound, the greatest perk of them all was simply the train ticket itself! Because I had to have a round trip ticket for all of those meetings, I was in Beijing without having to pay for it. And my boss said nothing was in stone saying I had to return on the same day....I had a round trip ticket, that was what was in stone! And so, it was decided that I would not go back with her, but instead meet up on the 17th with some friends and head to.....DUN DUN DUN DAAAAAAA....Shepherds Field Children's Village. 

You got that right, people, that is the home of none other then the coolest kid in all of China! {Ok, really, it is the home of a great number of the coolest kids in China, but as a big sister I have to be a bit more biased! ;) } 

Not only was I here to visit the young man who will soon share the same last name....but also to join in the first ever Bring Me Hope Winter Camp! 

There are no words! No words are enough. 

Bring Me Hope is what brought me to China. It is what opened the door to my heart and allowed China to crawl inside and plant roots. The fact that I continue, five years after first attending camp, to be asked back and get to work with these amazing people is just awesome! I have met some of the best friends a girl could ask for through this camp! Just because the camp was scheduled at a different time of the year, did not change that effect. I have come away with new friends, and more places to stay in China should I ever be able to travel! 

There are so many things I want to share about this past week. I will have to make multiple posts though just to be sure that you, my great readership, are able to keep up and not get too word weary!

As I wax eloquent about my first home in China,BMH, I must also give due praise to our hosts! 

When I first came to China in 2009 and walked into the cafe on SIAS campus after a long trip, I knew I was home. I was home in China, I was home in BMH, I was home at SIAS. It made sense that I later chose to make it my actual first home in China. Back in August when I made a visit to SFCV after a very hard goodbye to both my sisters and my staff team, I had that very same home feeling upon entering the front door. 

I can not say it enough, I love this place. It is special. 

We were welcomed with open arms. Not only have they been the most accommodating and serving host staff we could have ever asked for, but they are just great people! I heard it from so many people about how great they are. 

I had planned to stay a day or two longer then everyone else as I knew I would not want to pack up and head back home. 

My departure date was Tuesday. As in, yesterday. 

I'm still here.

I am having a hard time leaving! Honestly, if I could, I would quit school and just stay here. I would be so cool with that. 

As it is, I get to stay here another week, which, like the round trip ticket to BJ, is another amazing gift from Father that He placed in my lap. {He is doing this not only to bls my socks off, but also as a swift kick in the rear for ever doubting and allowing the fear to take over and put me in the depths again.} 

This time is something I am never going to forget, and I am sure that the staff here does not even know how much it means to me to get to know them and be here for extra time!

I don't think any of them read this, but in case you do, Y'all are amazing and I thank you!! 

Please take a moment to check out The Website  and Their Facebook

There are many many precious children that are here waiting for their forever families! Your son or daughter might be among them, so you do not want to miss them by not clicking those links!!

This...looks gross in photos! BUT, it is honestly one of the best dishes ever! Tastes just like my grandmothers slow cooked pot roast and potatoes! I nearly cried when we ate it the first time. 

I shall post stories and more later, but now...time to run! 

Keep lookin up everyone! Keep on smiling! 

They are what I call, goals.

2015 Bucket List

Figure out what is next

Learn to cook at least two Chinese dishes

Write five short stories

Fit into size 10 jeans without pain

Sing in public

Become more bold

Study Chinese outside of school

Stay in touch

Say Hi first

Go one month without crying for no reason

Keep a better record of things

Start your book

Re-do 'All the math you'll ever need'

Write and send 10 hand written letters.

Plan and host at least one party

Learn to declutter

Read that book I've been putting off reading

Stick to the plan more

Be spontaneous

I am not making resolutions for 2015. 'Resolutions' not the best of words, I would say. {If you are a 'Miranda' fan, please say that sentence in her voice. If you are not a Miranda fan...what is wrong with you? Go find the first episode, listen to her, and then say that in her voice.} Its too harsh of a word. No wonder we make and break them! “Resolutions”. Rez-o-loo-shuns. Where is the fun in that?

I have created a bucket list. {Yes I know they are just resolutions, thank you for pointing that out.Sit down.} My list is for the things I HOPE to achieve in the fifteenth year of the two thousands. Man does that make me feel old! It has been fifteen years since we freaked out about Y2K? Being around for fifteen years does not make one old, remembering it and many things that came before it, does.

Oh dear, I got old.

No need to dwell! Moving on.

These goals are a bit more on the light side of things. You will note that there is nothing in there about my walk with Father or the like. {Besides being more bold, but that has many meanings} Those kinds of things, I feel, should not be in a list of things I “Hope” to accomplish in a year, but should always be on my list anyway.

Also,because I am trying to be realistic in this list of goals, I have not put anything silly like “Go on a date” or “Become important to a certain someone” since those things are not on any list, of course. {Looks at camera...yes they are}

I am not going to say that I am going to 'loose the extra weight' either, because I have been trying that and nothing has come off. Ok, MAYBE some inches have, thank goodness, but no weight has. That is getting too discouraging to focus on. So I will go back to focusing on the important things....what other see! ;) No one else looks at the scale, and if my doctor says anything about it, then I will just hope I am not in the middle of my 'no crying' month and I can burst into tears to get them off my back about it!

Unfortunately for those that read this blog, the one about keeping better track of things as well as the short stories goals will effect you the most. My memory is not always what I want it to be. For that reason, I want to keep track of it better when it happens. Some of this will be through more typed out journals or record keeping perhaps, but some of it is going to end up spilling out onto this blog. The short stories as well, they will most likely see the light of web-day only here. My first love, well besides the idea of being a wife and mother, was writing. The idea that I could transport someone to a time and place of my choosing, that I could get someone to see what I have in my head through word alone, or the concept of being someone else without ever having to leave my room, those have always been near to my heart. Even if nothing comes of it, I want to get back to working on it. Maybe I am no good at it anymore. Maybe I never was. Maybe I don't care! For a long time, I have wanted to write a song, and with the help of my Dad, I did that in 2013-2014. Turns out I need to leave that up to him, which was no surprise to me! But I still did it.

I have found that I really dislike personality tests or typing a personality. Being told how I act and think has never appealed to me and I feel that is what these tests do. Lately, there has been a lot of talk in my little group of friends about what kind of personality we each have. They have tried to figure out what I am and tell me the meaning behind it all and help me understand the letters and what they mean. And yet, I confuse them all. This is where the two final items on the list come in to play.

In the discussions about personalities and the way people operate, I have been told there are two basic types of people. Those that plan and stick to it, and those that may or may not plan but just go with the flow. I feel like I am smack dab in the middle of it. I LOVE to make plans and use to be that when I made a plan it had to happen or else my brain would self destruct. From time to time I still find myself that way. I like knowing how things will happen, what is expected, what we will do, what the plan is. Yet, more and more, especially because of where I live, going with the flow is far easier on ones heart, mind, and body! If I were to blow a vein every time my plan didn't work out the way I had it structured....pretty soon I'd be all black and blue and no closer to the end result I had in my head.

With that being said, though, I want to know when to do each. There are times when I let my plan and structure fall to the ditch when really there was no need for it. Times when I didn't need to be so noodle like and go with the flow, but I just kept up with it. Yes, you read that right. I want to be more planned in my spontaneity. I want to be better at knowing when the time is to lay back and let the current take me where it may, and when is the right time to fight against the winds and make them blow where I want.

Something I need to keep in mind is that not all of this has to happen in January or February. I think often I get too excited about goals I have set or things I hope to get done in a year and so I barrel head first into it, full speed ahead, only to burn out later and let the list fall to the wayside.

慢慢, 越来越 The first, man man, means slowly. Yue lai yue is little by little. I like these two, not only are the characters pretty, I like the idea of slowly becoming what I am suppose to be and little by little seeing the change. When it comes too fast, there is no time to adjust and the risk of falling back is far too great. When you leave a restaurant you are told to '慢走' walk slowly. Don't leave in a hurry and end up tripping.  

The Facebook Friend Break Down

During our speaking final, we were given questions for which to formulate and deliver answers. I had not really prepared as well as I could have, but felt I did pretty well on the first two assignments. {I had to speak about returning things to a store, which I felt qualified to do seeing as how I have worked the Service Desk at Meijer. I also told her how people wanted to take a bite of a donut and then return it at Tim Hortons. I was also given a list of words and had to use them all in a short paragraph of my choosing.}

However, I had forgotten the very last question she had told us about. I am not sure if it was just for extra credit or what, because when I told her I had forgotten all about it she said it wasn't going to effect my grade too much, she just wanted to hear my thoughts on the question and asked that I answer it anyway. The question was “Your most unforgettable moment/person/place/thing/memory in China”.

Now, most of the people she was going to be asking have spent about a year and a half in the country. That's still a long time, but she felt sure that they would have a favourite memory or someone that met that they were most glad for meeting. For me, though, I have been coming to China since 2009! I have met so many people, done so many things, have so many memories.....the list just goes on and on! How do you pick one?

Because he had been on my mind lately for some reason, I told her about the little boy I named Josiah. I told her that I have so many fond memories and things that I will never forget. And yet, I think the memory of holding that precious frail little boy close, and hearing him laugh, will stay with me and even haunt me the rest of my life. I hope it does, to tell you the truth. I never want to forget what it felt like to have to put him back in that wood and metal contraption and walk away. Because it is a feeling I never want to have again. It is something I want to help put an end to.

But, that's not what this blog is about. It got me to thinking about just how much China has effected my life. No, effect is not the right word. This place has a GRIP on my life.

To illustrate this best, I need look no further then Facebook. Just for fun, I went through my friends list to see what kind of a friend make up I have. The results were more then interesting! {I am wordy, remember? You don't need to go through this trip down friend memory lane with me! If you wish, you can just finish reading here! I will understand. Its ok!}

I have 47 relatives on my list. You could say that they are just there because they are related and have to be, but the fact that I have been unfriended and blocked by family proves otherwise! This is also 47 total relatives from both sides,....and I have more cousins then that on one side alone, meaning there are far more people with blood ties to me that are not socially networked to me! 7 of those, however, are my parents, brother and sisters. Those seven I will say are there because they have to be! ;)

A total of 26 of the people listed are former co-workers or people I met through work! That kinda surprised me to be honest! I didn't think I had that many!

8 people are from a time in my life that will always be ranked as the best of my life! I had a really hard time not counting them in the family portion of my numbers!

Though we do not really talk, I have an old {and I mean OLD, have you seen my age?} Kindergarten friend, as well as my favourite kindy teacher from my time at the private school oh so many years ago!

There are those I met through online communities like TFC {I actually have 7 friends from my time playing that game!} And homeschool websites and forums! {YAY for, General Grant, Miss Hopefulness,and the greatest Teek there ever was!!}

I am so thankful for Facebook! Three of the ladies on my facebook friends list were kids when we met! {I was a kid too I mean} And yet now, they are all three married with families of their own! I was 13 when I met one, and 17 when I met the other two, and yet now they are wives and mothers and I get to see their kids grow up!

Even with all of that, neighbours, kids I use to baby sit, people who knew me back before I can remember, and even the random friend along the way....the largest category by far....China.

I have over 300 friends who I met one way or another because of my connection to China. The majority of them are from BMH camp with a close second being, of course, my time in school. There are a few too though, that I have met through my travels in China, or are a friend of a friend whom I only met because I live in China.

I even started listening to certain music because of China! Before camp, I had never heard of Broken Vessels or Joe Brooks {and if you haven't either please go look them up!!} yet now you can find their songs on all my music playing devises!

Sure, we are skipping over the fact that as I type this, I am sitting in a dorm, thats in a Castle {I just have to put that in anywhere I can. I am livin' the dream people! I grew up and moved to a Castle! ;) la dee da!} on a campus, in the middle of XinZheng which just happens to be in this place called China.

It has made me realize....outside of China, I don't really have much of a life do I? ;D Ok, so that is not true {Have you SEEN how the Ducks are playing? YES!!} If you are going to pick a place around which to have your life revolve, it may as well be a place as large as China, am I right?!  

I process by talking or typing!

Tomorrow, December 29^th, I have a speaking final at 8am. It is the first of my finals, with the grand total being no more then 4. I know that sounds kinda strange, as I should have an exact number, but at the moment I don't. This semester I have been taking four classes, but one of the classes was one I asked to take as a refresher course. It is the first level character class. When the semester started and I was enrolled in the classes, I asked if I would need to take all of the exams as I have already been through this class and did pretty well. I was told that since I was in the class, of course I had to take the exams and pass. However, there was a day when I was asked to skip my class so I could help with a visiting delegation. It wasn't until a couple weeks later that I found out that while I was showing a group of people around campus and giving a presentation on our study tour, the rest of my class was taking the mid term. When the teacher and I talked about it later she said she saw no reason for me to take a make up exam or anything as she knew I had been through this all before since she was my teacher the first time around! I did take one of the quizzes and got a pretty good grade. So I may or may not have to take the character exam. I have to talk to her about it. If I take it, I have no idea how they will calculate a grade for me since I have no midterm exam score!

Tuesday is the exam I dread the most. Its my for my Listening class. This is my worst subject by a landslide. I got a 52 {out of 100} on the midterm. Trust me, I say that with no pride or false hopeful feelings. This class has me at a loss. The strange thing is, I feel like when I am talking with people, that my listening is my best skill! Meaning that I can understand way more of what someone is saying then I could hope to actually say. However, I think the reason for that is all context. I can listen to someone and understand what they are saying, I can then formulate a response in my head {Often I could tell you exactly what I want to say back in English but it is still hard when it comes time to put that into Chinese} and then often I can even make some sort of a reply. The reason for this though is that I do not have to understand every single word they spoke to understand the meaning and continue the conversation. That does not help when the exam has me identifying the similarities in three sentences being spoken. {“The dog walked across the street to the boy.” “I live right across the river from the big town.” “Though I had seen her many times at school, I had never before come across the rest of her family.” The similarity in these three, of course, being the word across. This is the kind of thing I have to do, only in Chinese. The audio recording of these three sentences would be played once and then I have to write down the word or phrase that is the same in all three. } Plus, in listening class, we have to listen sure, but we have to write our answers! Though this class might be the one I bomb the most at, character memorization and writing are my poorest to be sure. It doesn't bother me to a great degree as most of the time that I will have to write something I will have a computer, cell phone, or kindle with me! I might know that I want to say “I really love chocolate.” and I know how to say that in Chinese, but I might not be able to write it. But, if I want to text it to a friend, all I have to do is start to typing in 'wo hen xi huan qiao ke li” and it is going to give me the right characters for it. And once I see them, most of the time I will know they are right and choose the right ones. {What I mean by this is that if I type the letters qiao into my cell phone I am going to come up a bunch of characters such as 桥 乔 巧 壳 but I know enough to know that the word chocolate has 巧 as the first character, so I will be fine to type it.} Now, it is true that I can often now recognize a character, read it, and have ABSOLUTELY no idea what I am saying! I did that earlier today a few times while going over the work I have for my exam tomorrow. I saw 社团 and 加入 and I read them both. I knew they said 'she tuan' and 'jia ru'....but do you think I could remember what either meant? Nope! {I looked at them both, read them both right and then said to myself 'There is no way that's what they say cause how could I know how to read them but not know what they meant?' So I went to look them up and found they were indeed what I thought they read as, and was reminded of the meanings from the dictionary.}

Anyway. All of that to say, I am pretty positive I am going to fail. And I should be freaking out about that right? I mean, who wants to fail...not me! And I mean that. I don't want to fail.....but I actually don't want to pass. I don't think I should be put through to the next level and so as much as it is going to be a hit to my ego and I will hate letting my teachers down, I don't want to get a passing grade on my exams. The fact that I am OK with not passing is kinda what bothers me though. It is freaking me out that I am OK with failing, because I feel like this should bother me and I should be working 10x harder at everything to make a passing grade. I guess part of the reason I am writing this blog is to see the words out in type in front of me so I can try to make sense of things.

I have said it again and again, I am not here for the grades. I am here to learn Chinese. So the grade does not matter. But at the moment, I am not learning Chinese! :( That is why my grades are not good. This time it is not just because I do not test well. Without a doubt, I can say I do not know the information I am suppose to know to pass these tests this week. And for that reason, I want to do the classes over again to really be able to grasp them. It bothers me because I had this idea that I was going to come out of this year with an amazing grasp of the language, be fluent {to some extent, I am not delusional, its going to take years to sound like a real Chinese person when I speak} and be able to act as a translator to other foreigners, especially for my own family when my brother comes home. Thankfully, I don't feel like I have taken any steps back, I just don't feel like I have taken that big of leaps forward either.

Here is where it gets my head messed up a little and where maybe I am typing this blog to convince myself its alright to feel this way. When I use to get a grade that was really bad in my opinion, I would tell myself that it not big deal because I was doing so much other stuff. I was going to visit kids, I was hanging out with my Chinese student friends, we were having conversations {in both Chinese and English} that were very meaningful, and I was working on other relationships and such with other students etc. The problem with that this year is that I am not doing any of that! I have seen a group of 'my' kids a whopping 1 time since camp ended. My friends are either graduated and now working at a job, or they are all too busy as am I and we never get together, so I am not having conversations with hem in any language. I use to tell myself it was fine if I was not doing well as a student because I was that 'other' thing and it was more important,and it was also helping me with my language. But then I read about people doing that other thing....M....and I am not doing any of it! I am not going out to the middle of nowhere to hold a hungry child and comfort them {I can not tell you how often my little Josiah comes to mind! We visited his home one year after camp. He was 9 years old, but could not even hold his head up by himself. At the time I wasn't suppose to be lifting anything, but I just had to hold the little bundle.} I'm not helping build homes, or dig a well, or holding any sort of parties and gatherings for anyone. My life is not hard. I am not saying that in order to do anything for Father it has to be hard and a miserable life, not at all. But that is the truth. My life is not hard, and I am not sure if I am being challenged enough. And that makes me wonder, am I not being challenged because that is not what is needed at this moment, or am I Blake-ing out on this all and I am not ready for the challenges? Am I falling short on things and that is why I am not called right now to do anything other then fail at my classes and work in the office? Have I been put on a shelf for a time?

When I came back here in June, I came to do camp and then go to school and work. Most often now, I feel I am working and doing school. Sounds like a small change, but its not, let me tell you! I am so thankful for the learning experience I am being given at the office! Really I am! I feel like I am growing in areas I never expected and I am learning things I didn't know I needed. While I can not say that every moment is the joy-est of joys, or that I love every little detail about my work {Answering 60 emails from a single student can get a bit old.} But I use English for it all! I am the English assistant. I make the phone calls that require English, write the English emails, help edit the English fliers, and research papers, articles, and websites that are in English. It is helping me learn a lot about how to work in a Chinese office, how to communicate with people of all sorts of differing country backgrounds, how to be pushy to get something done {Hey Mum, did you ever thing I needed to learn how to be pushy? You have no idea!! Oh Brodeur!!} It is not really helping my Chinese improve at all. And while I am so thankful for not only the learning but also just the opportunity to do something I never thought I would have the chance to do, I wonder if it is a detriment to my studies at all.

I get discouraged at times. Not just because I feel I am not learning the language like I am suppose to, but because I feel like I am not doing much of anything that I came here to do.

Man...the problem with writing this all in a blog though is that as I write it out, all the right things to say and the right answers pop into my head. Lol. That doesn't sound like a bad thing I know, but it is just that I already know them, and so I feel like I should add them in this when I am thinking of them, but at the same time that doesn't mean that it makes me stop feeling the way I am at the moment. Does that even make sense? I guess what I mean is that I already know this stuff and yet I am not living it because I allow myself to get caught up in the downfalls, but by ending it all on a good note and saying “hey look, I know what I am suppose to say and what you are going to tell me” it makes it look like everything is fine now and I am back on track. When I might still be just as confused as before and still working things out in my head. You'd think I'd have more of this silly stuff figured out, the whole being an adult thing, at 30, yeah? {Insight into why I am still not yet married, perhaps?....that is an entirely different blog...that may never be typed out!}

The right thing to say right now is the same thing I have said for the last six years. I stink at planning my life. Every time I try to do it, I fall flat on my face. Before this, when I tried to plan things and have my bright-shiny day, it turned to poo. I did not end up in China because it was my plan from the beginning. This was never my goal! My first goal was not on this side of the planet at all, and my second goal was in a country to the south west of here. Never China. And once here, my goal was not to go to school, nor was it to spend 9 months working at a candle shop in the States, or to return to China and work in an office. But the right thing to say is that I know it is all better then my plans. The right thing to say right now is that it is all going to work out well. The right answer is that I need to keep my eyes focused where they should be and rest in the fact that as long as I am not the one planning where things are going they will work out far better.

I know all of those right answers....but I still don't know if I should feel bad that I am not working harder to pass these exams this week. Because if I pass the exams, I am going to be more lost then I was this semester.

Mostly what I am worried about is letting everyone down. It might not bother me that I fail my classes and repeat the semester starting in March. But what about the others that helped me get here? What about all of those that are helping me through this? What about when others find out that not only am I not only am I not learning all the material I should be, but I am also not going to visit kids, or doing any of the other stuff I did before?

In conclusion I suppose I should take some of my own advice. The other day, I was talking with a foreign teacher. I was reminding her that she is not doing any of this alone, as she prepares for some not so fun stuff during the break. She said that it sometimes still feels like it, even though she knows she is not suppose to be. I stood firm with her and told her to get her eyes back where they belong and focus on that. Trust me when I say, this is not me just saying the 'right thing to say' I know I am not alone. I know that even when I feel as if I'm doing this solo, I know it is all in my head. And it doesn't seem to last too long. He always has a way of showing me that when I least expect it.....or sometimes after I have asked for it! :)

The Independent one

A few years ago, I was 'stationed' at the Yantai Bring Me Hope camp for two weeks before a switch over to the Xi'An camp for the final two.
As a 'Staff-Volunteer' an idea we were trying out where I would fulfill both the duties of being a staff member all four weeks as well as being a buddy for all four, I was paired with two beautiful boys during one of my weeks. I was part of the Hospitality crew, so from time to time my family would accompany me on a run to get someone fresh water or more sheets, etc.
 One of my boys had never before seen a white person and was, at first, a bit scared by this odd, large women with the bright hair. Our other child was fiercely independent. It took me most of the week to really feel like I was able to connect with my boys much.  Though we had our moments, for the most part they were fine to just do things on their own and were 'ok' that I was around but not too much more then that. However, by the end of the week, I was smitten for sure by my two buddies and knew it was going to be hard to say goodbye.
Though I loved both boys very much, I had become more attached to my little independent poppet, even though he didn't often let me get too close or really need me at all. When Friday goodbye day came, I was told that only my older boy would be leaving with the other kids. The two boys had come from different homes and the time table was different for the two of them. We said goodbye to the one we had named Ike, dried our tears, and refocused on the one we still had, the one with the 'I can do anything' attitude.
Because he was only one of two that had come from his home, all the other translators had the rest of the day off and had decided to go shopping in town. My translating partner told me she planned to go with them, and then took off leaving me and little man by ourselves. Being that it was the end of the week, I had more work to do as a staff member to get ready for our next week, and so he followed me around,helping as we dropped off passports at every room, and made sure everyone was stocked on supplies. We spent all day together, playing, colouring, and just having a good ol' time. He blabbered on, the entire time knowing I couldnt understand a thing he said! I would talk to him too, knowing the same was true for him. It was one of the best days of that week. Just me and my boy, hanging out.
That night, we had a debriefing time and I brought him in with me to mine. He played quietly in the room as we all talked about the week and cried together over the children we didn't know if we would ever see again. I remember looking over at him as we were all talking, and saying to the others "I just wish I knew what he was thinking! I wish I could talk to him." He was getting tired I could see, and was fighting sleep off, but he just sat there staring at me from across the room. Sitting next to the bed, I wondered if he would just climb up there and fall asleep, but instead, he came over to me and patted my legs to let me know I should hold him, so I picked him up and placed him on my lap.
Afraid to scare him, I did my best to hold my tears at bay as, for the first time all week, I was 'allowed' by him to cuddle. While everyone cooed at such a touching moment, I explained how he had never before felt comfortable enough to let me hold him for long. He would let me pick him up to get him down a hill that was too steep for him to go down on his little trike, or to help move him to a high chair or something, but every other time he was quick to let me know his place was back on the ground where he had control over where he was going. This time, not only did he let me hold him, he fell asleep in my arms. Not taking it for granted, I rocked him and quietly cried for the rest of our meeting, knowing that in the morning I would have to say goodbye to him as well.
It was this moment, as well as others like it, that stoked the fire in me to learn Chinese. No longer did I want to have to 'wonder' what my kids were thinking, I wanted to be able to ask them! In fact, I would only complete one more summer of camp before deciding to take a year off to save for school.
Now, four years later,I am nearing the end of my third semester of language studies in China. I can finally ask my friends how they are feeling, what they are thinking, and comfort them when they feel like crying.
And what of my little go-getter? He now lives outside of Beijing at a home, where he is called Ronny, the name I gave him at camp. Though he does not know it, the day will soon come when his Dad and Mom will come pick him up to take him home. A day when he will not ever have to face another goodbye day like the one we had four years ago.

If you are interested in helping in the continuation of this young mans story, please visit http://www.gofundme.com/gielr8 to donate and help his parents reach the goal of meeting up with their son for the first time.

"How does someone so small, hold my heart so tightly? I don't even know you, I love you completely."- JJ Heller

The scattered thoughts of a Monday

I put myself on a strict budget a little over a week ago. 20Rmb a day. It has been so awesome to see the oil in the container stay at the same level, if you will. Most days, I can actually use less then the full 20 which is helpful because I can put the left over aside for a day that I need more. {Such as coming up I am sure I will need to buy TP, laundry soap,or shampoo so I will use the extra to go towards that.} There are days when I will spend a little more, but get something that will last a bit longer then the one day or one meal. Such as, buying a large loaf of bread one day so that I don't have to buy it the next. Some days its a jar of mayo or a jar of jam, so that I can make sandwiches for the next few days. I gotta say....I am loving it! I think I have eaten better then before because of being more creative! And I have always loved to see what I can do on a shoestring budget! Instead of just running out and getting a plate of something they make at the cafateria downstairs, I will actually go to the store and buy veggies so I can put together some sort of a pasta salad with my instant noodles. Or, one of my favourite options, is to get some tomatoes and cucumbers and make sandwiches with mayo, garlic salt, and Italian dressing mix. Thursday morning, I want to ask if I can be late to work so that I can make apple fritters for my classmates, teachers, and coworkers. So I have been slowly buying the things I need each day so as not to have to do it all at once. {I already have the flour and oil, so I am just buying things like sugar, eggs, and milk each day.} Oh shoot....that reminds me! I forgot to bring cinnamon. Note to self...find out if any of the 外教 have cinnamon I can use.

My little brothers home coming is getting closer and closer, becoming more and more real. As it dawns on me that this is finally going to happen, we are finally going to be a family of multi-colours, another thing has occurred to me!

My parents are going to come to China!

When my best friend, who you may know as my sister Kade, and younger sis Kat came to visit me for the first time, it was awesome and weird at the same time. I had never really expected my two worlds to come together like that. That was coolness in itself, but to have the people who raised me for the very thing I am doing, come here and see the place that has captured my heart, life, love, and attention?! It is both nerve wracking and exciting all at the same time. Never did I imagine getting to actually have them with me here.

I am hoping that they get to fly into the ZZ airport here and let me pick them up, show em around SIAS and all, and then go together to get Little Dude. However, even if they have to go straight to get the smallest Hep, I will move mountains to be there at the airport when they touch down, and I will still get to see them experience China! They have heard me speak Chinese before,so it isn't like that is going to be a shock or much of a thrill, but they have never had me introduce them in Chinese! :) The fact that they have {I am pretty sure at least} agreed to let me be there to introduce them to their new son....well I could just burst into tears right here and now! When I started learning this language, I do not ever remember thinking about the fact that I could some day use it to show my parents the home of their kids! Never really thought they would ever make it here.

If you get my update emails, you already know that I was asked to stay here and earn my bachelors degree. I would be provided with a scholarship that would waive the tuition fee, leaving only my living expenses such as my room, books, insurance, food, etc etc. My knee jerk reaction was “NO!” cause ya'll know I have never made it a secret that I hate school! Yes, I am loving learning this language, I love my teachers, I love that I know how to carry on a conversation now because of the classes I have attended. And I hate school! Lol! I was afraid that it was only my dislike for studying that kept me from accepting it, so I asked to be given some time to think it over and buzz about it. And then I did just that. For a few days, I thought over it, talked about it with my family back in the Mitt,and spent time in buzzing about it too. In the end, I still decided to turn it down. Even though it is what I wanted, I have to admit that it does make me a bit scared,because that is now another thing that won't keep me here. I have done my best not to think about or try to figure out yet what I am doing after this year of school is over. It was a decision I made before getting here, that I would leave that to my second semester. Not wanting to spend much of my time concentrating on that and taking time away from getting use to my life here and work and all, I thought it best to leave it to the second half. Yet I keep getting things thrown at me that mean I HAVE to think about it, at least a bit. And the fact that even with thinking of it, I still don't know what I am going to do after.....I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me even a little. I know now, though, that I will not be staying at SIAS to earn a bachelors degree in Business.....so perhaps I should take that as a comfort. I know something! Knowing what I am not doing can be as important as knowing what I am doing, at this point at least.

It is strange how things change year to year, though! Last time I was in this situation, I wanted nothing more then to be able to say that I was going to go back to the States to pack up and return a month or two later. I wanted to stay here, even if that meant not going back during the summer at all. I did not want to think about having to go back and stay for an extended undetermined amount of time. This time my first year, I was looking all over for something to do that would keep me here in China for good, and not really allow me to return. {Keep in mind, this time last year my brother was not dating his soon to be wife, so I had no idea that I would have a sister to meet, nor had I burst that new disc and needed to return for medical work, and I was still thinking that there would be a chance for me to work as a staff member for BMH here in China. By the time I flew back to the States, it is true that I wanted to spend a bit of time there, to get my back worked at and to meet my new big sis. Though I did spend more time then I expected to I truly am thankful for the time I spent there and all that happened in my stay!} This time though, I am so excited to go back,...again not for long, but I am looking at staying a little bit. Maybe this time will work the same way as before and because I am wanting this to be a bit longer of a trip it will be a short trip {Like how my last one was to be a short one and it was long!} I am looking forward to being part of my little brother getting to know the family. I don't want to just be that face he saw a few times and knows from camp, but doesn't really know as his sister. That has always been a fear of mine with the siblings I have known since birth and still worry from time to time they will feel that way. {Like they don't know me really} and I don't want it for this brother either.

That being said.....I so want to live in China! I want to be part of kids lives! :-D Just in case anyone was thinking my heart had changed at all!!

But, for now, I am going back to not thinking about the future! :D I am going to concentrate once again on what I am doing right now. My school and my work...and some projects I have not had time to get to yet! I have been wanting to work on something for this summer's camp here and have not been able to get the chance to do it yet. HOPEFULLY, I can get myself to not be so lazy this winter break,and kick my own butt if needs be, in order to get it done in time to start helping with camp prep once school starts back up! I again have such a list of things to do during my break. I just hope I don't end up putting it all aside in order to watch movies and sleep!

And that is today's randomness!