Stuff! A compromise.

So people have asked me, what kinds of things I miss while I am here or things that I can not get easily,in order to send me care packages and such. To be very honest, there are very few that I miss and can simple not do without! There are so many things here that are either close enough to what I would use/eat/buy/find etc back in the States, that I really don't need for much. And so many other things that I can't find when I am in the States that I love so much as well! I think it balances itself out! That being said, there are a few things I have found make life here a little bit easier or that help pull me out of a bad mood, etc. But, when people ask what they can send me, I hate to answer! I really don't like to give people lists of stuff to give me. Yet at the same time, I have been told before that if I do not ever provide answer to that question that I am keeping people from being able to be a blsng.

I have decided a compromise is best. Because I have been asked recently, I figured I would post a blog about the things that I find most useful and then people can always find things on here if they wish to. I find it very awkward to go back and say “Hey, remember you asked if I need anything,..yeah, well now I do!”

Here are some things I will NEVER turn down.

Drink powders/additives. Things like MIO or country time lemonade powders go such a long way to help! Even though drinks here are pretty cheap, it saves me a lot of time and money to be able to make things in my room. Even tea,coffee and kool-aid mix are a great thing to have in my cupboard!

Spices. There are still a lot of spices I can get here, that is true. I could go into ZhenZhou and buy things at the baking store or at Metro....but many of those things come in these HUGE bags that I just don't have the space or money for. And things like garlic powder, cinnamon, basil, nutmeg, and such are all so great to add to my meals and baking, helping me spend less on pre-made stuff and actually be more adventurous in what I can make in my room

Dressing Mixes. I don't eat much salad around here. Though I do try to make some now and then, some of the things for it are pretty hard to come by. The long and short of it is that I do not have a fridge to store something like dressing in, so I can't really have it around. But I brought two packets of Italian dressing with me and I have been using it like a seasoning. I don't really make a dressing so much as add it like a spice to my cooking. Works great! And, if I ever have the stuff around to make a salad, and I can always throw together a dressing as well.

Cheese powder from Mac and Cheese. China doesn't do much cheese. I can add this to instant noodles and some milk and voila I have mac and cheese without having to boil noodles!Also in the past, I have used it in my cooking where I wanted a cheese flavour as well! {Broccoli and cheese?! YUMM!!} During camp, someone left microwave Velveeta mac and cheese. The packets inside were not powder but actually a smooth cheese sauce! It was awesome! {Though, the Velveeta itself would be really too heavy and expensive and the microwave ones are also far too pricey just to send me the tiny cheese pouch!} Pretty much anything that has a cheese type of flavour! Haha

Tuna. Can be a can of tuna, a pouch of tuna, or the tuna and cracker things! It is one of my favourite things! And, and helps with some of the vitamins I cant get in other foods due to some of my allergies!

Beef Jerky My family sent this to me in a package once and I kinda laughed at it a bit. While I ate it every now and then in the States, it wasn't anything I ever would have put on a list that I missed. But then I ate it....and realized that it was just the thing I was needing! Its a familiar taste and something I have yet to find around here

Chocolate. Need I say more? I have found some really good substitutes here, to be honest. It is getting better. But there is still nothing that beats a good ol' bag of chocolate chips or MnM's!!

.

Anything home made. And I do mean anything. {Ok, within reason!} This could be food or even a fun craft or something. If it is something I can show off that I have a talented friend, I can probably use it as a good object lesson or as a way of showing creativity etc. Or, if you send me something that is handmade that you do not mind if I do not keep, I have a unique gift to give to a friend or teacher that will help brighten up a day! And if it is food...well, who doesn't like something home made,right?!

Cards No, not a deck of playing cards! If I really needed those I could find them in all manner of stores around here! Pretty, thank you, birthday, get well, thinking of you, encouragement, and even blank greeting cards. While there are a few places I can find a select number of some sort of greeting card and such, it is so nice to have a supply of simple and elegant cards. I brought a box with me and am excited that I am able to hand out cards whenever I want....but I can always use more! During camp I used up a nice amount of them.

Ointments. Triple antibiotic, anti fungal, anti bacterial etc etc. Anything that will help heal, sooth, or protect a cut,scrape, or rash.

Cleaning wipes. My sister brought me a tube of Clorox disinfecting wipes. Again, it wasn't anything I had thought about before, but they have come in handy so many times! I use them to clean all sorts of things in my room!

Hand sanitize. It all works! No matter if it is a non scented germ-x kind of a thing, or a pretty smelling Bath and Body works type, I use them all the time!

Stain stick. Now it may just be that I have not looked hard enough, but I have not yet found something here like a Tide wash and go pen or anything.

Non-USPS items: There are also things that are helpful or 'fun' that do not need to be sent through the mail. Honestly, an email, text,or Skype call are some of the most awesome things! I love it when I get those...and I am not just saying that to make me look cool! But then there are things like Skype credits, text+ credits, and amazon cards that go a long way as well. I can use the Skype and text+ credits to make calls to friends and family, and I can use amazon credits for things like books,text+ credit, and apps.

Like I said, I hate telling people what to send me. I feel selfish! I don't like to tell anyone when I need things because I would rather not bother everyone. Also, again, to be very honest, there is so very little that I truly NEED. Living here is not like living in the wilds of any place, and I am so well taken care of and looked out for! So really, these are not things I am telling anyone they have to send! They are just ideas if you already had the notion to do so! :)

Keep on chugging...so that soon I'm not such a chug!! ;)

So here is the latest update on weight loss. These were taken today, Sunday the 16th. 

I was feeling like the photos don't really look any different then before, so I tried a different shirt. Maybe the pink/orange thing is on the big side and doesn't show what I think to be true, that being that I have lost weight. 

Still not sure. I don't have a scale and I'm not even sure I would want one as I would be too sad if it didn't show what I feel! lol! The big upside is that I am feeling better! My back is not hurting as much as it was before and my ability to handle longer periods of everything {walking, standing, sitting, stairs etc} are enough for me! 

I climb 70 stairs everyday at least twice to go to work. When I started that, I felt like I had run a mile by the time I got to the top. Now, though it is still not the best feeling in the world, I can do it without wanting to pass out! 

Thank you to everyone who has been encouraging me and helping to push me! Please keep it up! There is still a long ways to go, I think! :)

Walking towards Genesis.

It has been close to three weeks since I made my "I'm tired of being fat" declaration and began to work out again. While I have not really been asked about it unless I bring it up first, I think the fact that I know there are people who are aware of my goals and have agreed to help keep me at it, has in fact made me be a little more motivated and become accountable.

Though my MO is to go full force and burn out far too quickly, I have managed to stick to a bit lower level intensity and hope that helps me stick it out long enough to once again feel skinnier and more fit. {I am not going for Skinny! I will never be skinny! I came to that conclusion long ago and I am ok with it. My focus is not to be skinny, it is to be fit, healthy, stronger, in less pain, and able to handle the things that get thrown at me!! hah!} I did start out a bit too gung-ho and ended up taking myself out of commission for a couple days! My shins had begun to hurt terribly from the shin splints that decided to rear their ever present by often dormant head. Thankfully, because my Father is good to me and knows my every need, a teacher here at the school saw an update I made about it, and had a pair of shape up sneakers that she is letting me use! They have made a world of difference! I can even feel them helping when I am not working out! It is hard, though to not over do it, as I have always loved the idea of running and being out there on the track with so many other joggers and runners makes me feel like a wuss when I am just chugging along at my 2 mph walk. Thing is, I am horrid at jogging and so always end up running. And I can't do either for long at all, and by the time I am done my 20 feet of running, I am now not even walking at 2 mph cause I have worn myself out! I have managed now to get a  fourth of a mile in at a run...but that is total! What I mean by that is I sprint for a bit, go back to my walk, then when I am back at the place where I stopped sprinting I pick it back up and sprint a bit further. I keep that up until I have run around the track once. I managed to do that the other night in just three sprints. {Trust me....that is good for me!} I have also added my PT back into the mix and have been able to get back to three reps of 15 per set on each. It is no cross-fit or P90X WOD, but it is more then I would be doing otherwise.

I also take comfort in knowing that I will be getting some exercise just by going to work! The office has moved back over to the admin building and that is at the top of a ton of stairs! I think of Rocky as I reach the last step inside the building! {We are on the fourth floor. There are three flights worth of steps outside, and then the last flight inside. It is the last flight that always kills me! I have to stop outside of the office and catch my breath so they don't think I was chased all the way there!} Most days I will be going up and down those stairs three and four times a day! {Mondays and Fridays I have one class in the morning and one class in the afternoon. This means I will go to class, then go to the office, go to lunch, then to class, then back to the office before my final trip down the stairs whenever my work is finished for the day. And that is if I am staying in the office the entire time and not having to run anywhere!}

Ok, so photo update time. I thought I was seeing a difference already, but it would seem, after looking at the photos that it is all in my head! lol! At least I am feeling the difference! My pain level has gone back down to a more manageable daily dosage and in fact some days I am in next to no pain! PTL!  My hip has been bugging me and I know that my psoas is way out of whack so I am not too concerned by the pain. I am working on getting that to ease up and release. The fact that I can do an entire 15 leg lift without having to use my hand to manually lift my right leg is encouraging! I know that means that I am regaining some of the strength I have let myself loose!

My Mum always had the saying "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" as her motto for work outs. Awhile ago I came up with my reason for walking as "To get the guy, to fit the dress, to have the kids, to keep my legs." {this worked really well when I was walking around a mall that had tons of dress shops that also carried wedding dresses.} I still tell myself that, but I think I want to add one to it. I want to "Walk towards Genesis". Genesis {Or Genny} is what I hope to name my first girl at Lotus Bridge. I am going to need to be able to keep up with the kids at the Bridge and in order to keep my legs from further nerve damage, that means keeping my back in shape! So while I was out tonight walking I pretended I was logging hours in some walk a thon for Genesis! hee hee! Whatever works, right?

Tired of being fat

All my life I have struggled with weight! Not so much up down as always up and wanting to be down, but lacking the motivation to get there. There was this wonderful year many moons back, when I 'competed' with my sister and we each dropped over 60 pounds! I want to be that size again!

That! I want to be that again! I was happy, I was healthy, I felt pretty good, and I was confidant! I even have good hair in that photo! Plus, it is post surgery, so there is no telling myself that I can't do it because of my back,. 

Each time I have come to China, I have lost weight! Its been great! But it would seem that the trend has been put to rest. Things that were fitting when I left the US, are needing to be packed away for thinner days! 

However, more importantly and more critical, is that my daily pain scale has gone back up. At first I just ignored it, telling myself all manner of things in order to ignore it. But after trying to put on the corset I got for Christmas, and finding that I broke a nail and strained my back trying to get into it, I had to admit to myself that it is harder to get out of bed and more painful to move these days because I have let myself gain the weight back, 

SO, today I came to a conclusion. I am done {again} withe being fat {again}! And I am done with being in this much pain again. I know how to take care of it and I am not going to risk the health of my back and legs just so I can continue to be lazy. Due to the fact that I am the person in charge of anything the international students have to do for Culture Week this year {We have all of Asia day! This means the country boards out in the square, talks in the classrooms about the different places, food to be sampled, and the days end performance. I don't have to DO all of it, but I am in charge of making sure it all gets done and everyone has the supplies and help they need.} I am thinking it will mean there will be no time for me to actually be in any of the things for CW. {Since we only have Asia day, there is no event or activity where I am going to be needed. I will just be helping to run things from behind the scenes that day.} That means no great exercise program thanks to the dances I sign up to do. I am going to go it alone this time!

Why tell the internet of this new goal? Well, it might seem that it is for sympathy, or for someone to tell me "Its not that bad! Just a few pounds" or some other sort of pat on the back. Its not. Its for a kick in the seat! I want to try to embarrass myself into shape! If others know that I want to get healthy again, and that I am going to do my best to go out and walk every day or find some sort of limited impact cardio {Like the dance routines I did last time I was here} then maybe those people can check in on me now and then to make sure that I really am giving it my best! 

It is a new week, so I started today. I love to walk, so it wasn't something I was dreading. Usually though, I can just turn on my ipod and start. {I have a few playlists that I have made for just such an occasion. They are each just over an hour long with slower songs at the beginning and end for a warm up and cool down} And yet this time, I started out and before I had even made it around the track one time, my shins were throbbing and my back was screaming at me! I have not had problems with my shin splints like this in a long time. Just further evidence that I have 'let myself go'. During tonights walk, all of my health problems reared their ugly heads it would seem! The asthma I have not had to worry about has me still a bit lung sore and wheezy even more then three hours after I finished! {I neglected to take any of my emergency allergy medications with me! oopps!} The black out spots that I had years ago and underwent tons of tests because of were back too! 

BUT

I made it! I paused my playlist, went to the side and spent some time doing some PT and warms up stretches. When I got back into the walk, I was still sore but not nearly as bad. I was even able to jog/run a bit....though I know that is a bad idea and will probably pay for tomorrow! My feet are gonna have blisters on them so I am going to tape them up for my next bout! :D After my hour long walk I did about a 10 minute cool down with some PT as well. {See Mum, you taught me right! I remembered to stretch my legs after!} I could hardly lift my right leg for the last rep of 15 knee lifts {I did my normal 3 rounds of 15 per side like I use to in PT} but I finished everything I set out to do. 

One of my problems is that I go out too gung-ho and then fizzle out because I over did it, so I am going to try to NOT do that this time! :) 

I knew the song on my playlist that marked the end of the hour walk and start to my 10 minute cool down, and had begun to beg for it to play as each song came to an end. 

I was nearly in tears as the last few songs played but not due to exhaustion. The last three songs {Before my cool down} were the cause. The first was one that really helped me through the decision to return to the Mitt last year. "You have a much better purpose and You have a far greater plan and You have a bigger perspective cause you hold the world in Your hand. The things that I seek are from You. Like the strong healing touch of your hand. But when you say no help me trust even though there's a reason I cant understand."

The next is called Destination and reminded me of what my purpose was for being out there in the first place. "I've gotta make a destination. Find where I belong. This time there aint no hesitation and I'll be moving on, to where I belong!" 

I nearly lost it on the third song. Must have heard it 15 dozen times last summer. 

"Little hands, shoe less feet, lonely eyes looking back at me. Will we leave behind the innocent to grieve? On their own, on the run when their lives have only begun? These could be our daughters and our sons. And just like a drum I can hear their hearts beating."

Maybe I am just being overly dramatic, but being reminded that the pain in my back could cause a halt in my plans to help the children I have met was enough to push me to finish. And I hope it is enough to keep my going. I hope the pain in my heart outweighs the pain in my back! :)

{The other night, at the steak dinner I helped plan, I was asked a ton of questions about the kids I work with. When thanked about it, I said how I loved to talk about them, but how i was proud I had been able to hold it together this time and make it through a conversation like that without tears. One of the ladies asked me "You cry when you talk about these kids? Does that happen often?" I said "Nearly every time!" She said "So they are really in your heart, aren't they?"}

No matter what the reason, and no matter if I am being overly dramatic or not...whatever it takes to get me back from FAT!! I'll take it!

This ended up being much longer than I meant it to be! If you are still reading, YAY! Would you please be one of my accountability partners?! Check up on me and make sure that I am sticking with it, not over doing it, but not allowing myself to make pain an excuse! :) 

Here are the before photos!

I don't think I am back to my "Never again" size, but I am probably near the number I swore I would never let myself drop up to! 

Thanks everyone!

Sorry its so long!

The problem with this world.

I hate to say goodbye.Funny then that I should chose to live my life in such a way that makes goodbyes inevitable at almost every turn. Today I had to say goodbye to a very good friend of mine. She was only here for two days,but it was enough to get to chat a bit and it did wonders for me. But as she left I realized that the summer is over now. Sure I am back to school already,but I knew I had her visit to look forward to. Here for camp first and then on to other BMH related touring, she was the last of the non China based staff to make her way back to the other side. It was like it hit me again, now starts the new year of my life. 

For reasons unknown to even my own self, I have been emotional the past few days. Feeling more like a child in high school than a grown college student far past the age of one in school. It is not that the classes are too hard, though they will prove to be a challenge as I already knew they would, and it is not that my work is too much to handle, even as it turns out there will be quite a good load for me this year. I am not sure why it has been such, except that it has been two months now. Two months since I left my other home, a month since I said goodbye to my sisters, best friend, staff, and little brother.

My sister posted the link to blog post, the author of which has a spinal disease. She was declaring that she was not her "disorder and nothing more". She would decide who and what she is, that being: complete in the Father, not allowing her 'shortcomings'  to determine her existence. 

This got me to thinking about the things that I often say of myself:

I am not broken because I am 30 and have no prospect of marriage or family in the foreseeable future. 

I am not broken because I am 30 period. 

I am not defective just because my back has given up on me.

I am not incapable just because I can not do things without thinking "Will it kill me due to allergies?"

The thing is, I fight so hard to NOT be defined by these things that I think I become them to a greater degree.

 I have accused one of my sisters of being an 'ageist' because she often fears that people look down on her in response to her age, or hold others at a higher esteem solely due to their age and not their personal capabilities.  Again and again I have proclaimed that age does not matter to me, and I still hold to that truth in every other case then when it comes to me and my own number of years.

A few years ago I came to the conclusion that I would reconcile myself to never being married and having children. Happiness in my singledom was possible, I knew, and would be where I lived. However, I must say that I have not since been able to achieve such contentment, and have at times found that the pursuit of such rest has led me to focus on my solitary state of being even more. 

It has long been my determination to last as long as possible in any new relational situation without the other party being privy to my surgical past and often painful present existence. And yet this can, in many cases, lead to some 'dramatic' story telling at some point or a hasty reveal when I am asked to do something that could prove dangerous to my spinal or over all health. This effectively undermines the entire process of not allowing this to become a thing.

And it was while sitting with my friend, talking about how much it stinks to be single, how lonely this path of ours, the travel and separation from things we know, the path we have chosen and love, just how difficult it can be at times, it was then that I was reminded of something important. 

I do not need to work so much at NOT letting these things define me. That is a slippery slope that has some nasty drops into beds of exactly that from which I run. 

My defining needs to be found outside of me. It is what I have been taught since I was a child. 

I am not defined by the things in the life of Carmella Christina Victoria, because I am not suppose to just be Carmella Christina Victoria. 

"The problem with the world is me." 

This friend, the one to whom I had to say farewell this morning, often has a way of silently causing me to come to these sorts of conclusions. I must say, I have been abundantly blessed with the group of friends and family the Father has seen fit to place in my world. This time, it was BB who made me stop, refocus, think, and die! That being said, I am so thankful to know that I have so many others who will be the next one to do that same thing, in their own unique way. 

This road to my Lotus Bridge would be far easier if I would get out of my own way!

Once in a lifetime

Since my first trip, I have heard it over an over again. "How wonderful that you can do this! That is a once in a lifetime opportunity" Even when I was on to my second and third trip, one of the most popular things I heard was about how you don't get to do that kind of a thing more than once. It never made sense to me. This is my fifth time and I am still hearing it! It has only bee lately that it has sunk in why people say it at all. 

The two things I dislike hearing more than anything {in regards to my trips} are:

"This is a once in a lifetime chance/opportunity"

and

"You are such a good person to do this!"

Honestly, neither are true! Not for me! First of all, as I have already stated, this is my FIFTH TIME! I can understand that for many people, things such as school, career, family,and work can make it hard to near impossible to do things like yearly mission trips, or even just yearly trips at all. So when someone hears that I am going and they are not aware of the fact that I have been before, then I give some leeway and understanding. 

Now the second one bugs me even more and has been getting harder and harder to hear. I know why people say it, and I know that they often do not mean any harm, yet I can't help but get a little put off by this. To be very honest, I feel like being told this actually cheapens the whole thing. I am not going to China,spending my summer at camp, learning the language,building relationships, and looking to move there to be a good person or because I am one. 

The other night, I was having a conversation with someone and they said "I have to just tell you how much I admire what you are doing! I so admire that you are putting your life on hold to go and do this in China. You are such a good person! Karma is really going to be great to you the rest of your life and will follow you and your family for years and years now." 

That's when it really clicked for me. People think this is me putting my life on hold, going off and fulfilling some sort of a fantasy or short term goal before continuing on with my actual plans. 

She said  "....you are still putting everything here on hold while you are at it." 

NO! I'm not! 

See the thing is,I am not biding my time until I find what I want to do. I'm not trying to get in my good deed while I am single so that I can feel better when I have a family and don't have the time and money. {Lets face it....I don't have the money now even when I don't have kids or a husband!} 

Not only is this my life, not only is this what I know I am suppose to be doing, but it really isn't me doing it! It really is the Lord that gets me through all of it, and it is only because He has given me this path, and a love for a country and people that I had never considered before! But see, to say that when people are telling me what a 'good person' I am, really makes me sound {and feel} like such a fake put on! It feels like fake humility when I am saying it in response to someone telling me what a good person it makes me. {Not so much when they say what a great thing it is to be a part of. Just when they tell me that it makes me a 'good person'. } 

Life isn't on hold. My life is still rip roarin'! And if I end up,for some reason, having to return to America, then it is not picking my life back up and 'starting over'. My hope is that I can continue on with the dreams I have for the future in China, but honestly I am taking it year by year {and sometimes it is more like month by month} 

I am 30 years old! This IS my life! :-D And I am so thankful for it to boot!

The China Coaster

As always, just like every other year I have gone, this has been an up and down, roller coaster of a ride on my way back to China. And now, as the days tick down, now in the 30's before I take off to start BMH camp, there is a new road bump.

I had been concerned up until now mostly by the Visa situation. You see, I will enter the country on a tourist visa so that I can work at camp. Then, when school begins, I need to be on a student visa. This is done easiest from your home country, and applying for a student visa is not possible while still in {Mainland} China. Talking with many different people and doing my own research, I have found that I will need to fly to Hong Kong, Thailand, Korea, or some such nearby place in order to be outside of the country and then apply for a new visa. Though all the details and fine tuning things were not under control yet or sorted, I was more at peace about it all once again.

Every time that I get scared and worried, something happens to settle my spirit. God is so good. He knows just when I need a push, just when I need some struggles, when I need a friend or families encouragement. I know that He will provide for all of my  needs and concerns.

Than being said, it is no surprise that with this latest hiccup/bump, I have more peace and calm than might be expected.

I have just found that all of the bills for school are higher than I had anticipated/budgeted for. Even before this, I did not have the money for school and camp {Which I have to go to, given that my ticket had to be scheduled for long before school was in session and camp gives me a place to live and something to do and is a place that holds my heart.} and now even more so I do not have the money with the new prices.

Months ago when I contacted the school about returning, I had been told that I could have an internship that would provide me with a full tuition scholarship. I have not heard since then if that offer still stands, so I have tried to contact those that gave the initial offer, so I can see if that is still an option for me. {For various reasons I had been hoping that I would be able to pay for school on my own and not be in need of this internship.} That would greatly reduce my costs and help so much. {I just pray that, should I need to use it, I am not so busy with the internship that I have no time to do any orphanage visits. My hope is not to have my life be school, sleep, study,and office work.}


I have said it already, but it can never be said enough....God is good. I know that none of this has surprised Him like it has me.

Please pray with me that not only am I able to weather the bumps and continue on the ride no matter how up and down it gets, but also that I would never stop giving Him the glory and praise for it all. That I would always make sure my life is a reflection of His care and power. Pray that I have a peace in this.

And pray that I have the money when I need it, Visas when they are required, plane tickets to where I need to go when I need to go, and the ability to go see my kids and take part in the lives of lots of Chinese students and orphans!

Thank you all for the support and love you have been showing me!
:)